Me- then, now and forever

30th november - post written 12.39pm

2010-11-30T12:39:00.002+08:00

so it's been a while since I last wrote. I noe it's pretty silly to filter your own blog but reading my past year's ramblings really was driving me quite mad. So, updates, updates. Life has been pretty much kind to me nowadays, keeping busy with work and friends and the like. I dare not immerse myself into anything right now although as I say this I noe it's a blatant lie because there's you now.

Yes, this time it's different.

20 days since we officially became 'us'. So far, you've been really good to me. There are times when I question myself, whether I deserve you and this. My friends say that Ive suffered so much, that it's time I enjoy being loved. My friends are too kind. I know i'm not such a good person, that some of the things that happened to me, I had them coming. It's still very much a push-pull kinda reaction when it comes to you. too good to be true, and too good to let you go. I'm learning to accept the fact that you're here to stay. By now u would have known that I'm in love with you.

So fast? How do you quantify these kind of things? how do you quantify feelings? All I know is that he makes me happy, and I want to see him happy. No need for any more tears.

I cant say I dont have expectations. I think after all we've been through in our separate lives, there has to be expectations. Especially when you intend to spend your whole lives with each other. I think it's important that we learn to meet each other halfway though. I have got to be more patient, and keep reminding myself he's not like them. Bear with me please love through this.

I love the little things you do. These things are the ones that will make me stay in love with you over the years... Dont ever change.

That said, it really is quite early too say too much. I hope we keep our promise to each other to ride out whatever comes our way and to make sure we stay strong together.

I thank God that I have you and I realise now why I had to wait thru all the crap. Without that, I wouldnt be able to appreciate your presence. So I thank Allah for sending you to me, and I pray I will always deserve you and make you happy.

Looking forward to many more days of laughter and love with you.

go to hell - post written 11.40pm

2010-10-07T23:39:00.001+08:00

GO TO HELL. I HATE YOU. BYE FUCKER.

just another arsehole. i knew it.

7th oct - post written 10.46pm

2010-10-07T22:46:00.002+08:00

feeling relieved after settling the monthly responsibilities... i'm quite tired and sleepy now. that's another relief as well. gawd noes how much i badly need my rest. i look like a panda-whale hybrid.

so anyways, i couldnt go beyond 3 days without you. such a weakling i noe. my heart jumps everytime i see your name. i feel like a teenage girl again, although it's probably not reciprocated. i noe what charlie brown says about peanut butter and unrequited love. hahahah.

nowhere near love la. it's more like affection and potential.

22 more days. good night.

questions and answers - post written 8.39pm

2010-10-06T20:38:00.003+08:00

God is being kind to me. All the questions have been answered just by one text. I really should have known better. I mean, what were the chances?

Goodbye, you.

6th october - post written 8.01pm

2010-10-06T20:01:00.003+08:00

3rd day without you. I am aching to text you. But i'm not what you need, and besides I want you to do something about us if you feel the same.

So anyways, it's been work and home. i even slept at 8pm yesterday. it keeps me from thinking about you. today i got scratched by one of my boys again as I tried to break up the fight. occupational hazard. after it was over i thought, wat wldnt i give to be able to text you and complain.

but i have to be strong because I cant afford to be disappointed again.

i miss you.

5th october - post written 7.20pm

2010-10-05T19:20:00.002+08:00

mummy went to see her specialist again today coz she couldnt bear the pain. doc says it's fine. if it's fine then how come she's in pain?

this is day 2 without you. i need you. when i'm angry, or i'm sad. especially when i'm happy. but i will not be selfish.

i miss you.

ache - post written 9.27pm

2010-10-04T21:27:00.003+08:00

Day 1 without you.

i cant let myself fall if I'm not sure if u'll catch me. earlier today as my kids slept i wondered if it was possible to erase u. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind-ish. because u wont miss what u never had.

i have to do this because i dont know what else to do.

post written 8.04pm

2010-10-04T20:04:00.002+08:00

i dont really have anything much to say. quite exhausted. and when i sleep, i have nightmares nowadays.

promises never last forever - post written 11.46am

2010-10-04T11:46:00.004+08:00

am half-dressed as i write this but it's on my mind so it's gotta come out. i've set my mind on this and i hope i can carry it out. i'm shutting up. i'm gonna disappear and back off.

it's not that i dont like him but promises dont last forever and i dont want my heart to be broken again. i'm already in a bit too deep at the moment, it's quite hard to stay away. i havent met such a lovable person ever since i broke up. if we're meant to be, you will find a way. i noe. otherwise then just let it end here before the misery multiplies.

i'll miss you.

right guy, wrong time - written 1.01am

2010-10-04T01:01:00.005+08:00

a real lightbulb-flashing moment for me. this was so so right but there was an element missing, something that just didnt fit.

i just trust him. it was instinctive. it's only that it cant happen. Maybe we need a much longer time, i dont really know. perhaps he's the one for me, but i'm not the one for him. could be too. i'm not supposed to be thinking about this either.

so i've decided to step back. i'm going to shut up. if i mean anything to him then he will have to come find me. it's not that difficult. if he doesnt... then that's that. pretty clear.

24 oct - post written 12.10am

2010-10-04T00:10:00.002+08:00

sesungguhnya aku tgh grumpy ni. not pms. i really shouldnt let people affect me like this but that's just how i am. abis bingit sendiri. bodoh kan ayu.

work tomorrow. i'm grateful coz when i'm free i tend to overthink things and end up being worked up. id rather exhaust myself at work, go home, eat sleep.. at least until the situation changes.

now shidah says dont look forward to the trip too much just in case anything unexpected happens. i thought about tt and it brought my mood to a new low. so wat the hell am i supposed to be looking forward to then?

things i miss - 2.47pm

2010-10-03T14:46:00.002+08:00

Writing's one of the things that's like pringles. once you pop, you cant stop. once u start writing and u feel the cartharsis, you'll want it again and again. a release. pouring out what's been congealed in your mind. Of course, you write sometimes with an intended reader in mind, but it's just nice to let the words flow from brain, heart and out your fingers.

so hari tu masa berbual dgn shidah, tgh syiok2 duduk kat fountain suntec topik pasal rindu pon terkeluar. maklumla kalau da duduk dgn members yang paham keadaan kita, benda2 yang selalunya kita simpan dalam hati semua terburai jugak. tapi rindu yang kita bincang ni bukanla rindu pada seseorang individu...

things i miss. that's what we shared with each other. just gonna list down mine..

- riding at night
- sitting at parks, enjoying the silence
- being fed
- kisses
- being picked up after work
- feeling butterflies in the stomach
- piggybacks
- massages
- random texts that make you grin
- love letters. handwritten
- movie marathons
- sending surprise lunches/dinners
- borrowing clothing items that smell of someone
- sitting on laps
- feeling vulnerable yet protected at the same time
- waking up raring to go because it's another day with so-and-so
- their warmth
- feeling when you see them smile and you know it's because of u
- feeling protective of them even though they're much bigger
- inside jokes
- planning special occasions
- how sad u are when the date ends and he has to leave
- being sent to the doorstep

ok i got distracted. as i was writing this my brother came and bit my finger. wth.

3rd oct - post written 1.09pm

2010-10-03T13:08:00.002+08:00

i've deleted more than a yr's worth of writing...anyway its juz a whole lot of whining, i cringe reading it myself.

woke up today with the sore throat totally gone. so yay to that. had only four hours of sleep though, finally dozed off at 8plus this morning. if i sleep any longer i'd sleep at an obsccene hour later.

it's almost monday again. 26 more days to go before i fly off. Its a much needed break from everything. pretty sure i'd feel like never coming home. a respite from being an employee, a sister,a friend... lettng loose and simply being 23. Shidah's really excited, she's reading up and all. I'll leave that to her, I kinda relish the hint of spontaneity in the trip.

The last time i met shidah we had a good long conversation about our past. it made me think. like how if i hadnt waited and had been a tad more selfish i'd probably have my degree in something or other. but things are this way for a reason. we thought back to the times when everything was perfect for us, when we took things for granted before it crashed into a million pieces right before our eyes. We both admitted we were probably quite horrible people, certainly our exes weren't totally at fault. hell, we both have pretty strong characters and are quite opinionated. on hindsight, i wasnt ready to get married at 19 when he proposed. shidah and me, the last few years really made us grow up really fast. for me personally, with what was going on at home then and even now, i got shaped pretty fast and i knew what i could tolerate and what i couldnt. dishonesty clearly not.

so anyways, ya, we'r both really psyched about the trip simply because we are in need of an escape. a timely one too. i'm not sure what my emotional state will be then, what would have become of u. so irregardless, it's a more than welcome change.

Shidah asked me a very good question as we were walking about at Suntec on Friday - what can you do and what cant you do? What are you scared of? I can swim, but i cant get into swimming pools or the sea. I'm scared of heights. I'm scared of drains. I'm scared of alarm clocks and mobiles. I cant cycle. I know shidah cant either. haha! I'm scared of animals. But not cockroaches. My answers will probably evoke laughter or slaps on foreheads, but ya, this is me. lol. The list is probably much longer but off the top of my head, this seems to be it.

Lately, besides yearning to write (ive always done exceptionally well in languages esp english but i am absolutely horrible at math! 1 of 2 students in tkg who failed ELEMENTARY math. terok!) I've been lamenting about the days when i used to sing. Very long ago, but they were good days. One of the few things I feel that I'm really good at. I think I just have a feel for it. haha. obviously, being such an emotional person.

i'm trying to slim down again. ive put on weight since i started working, am about 46-47 now. i wanna get back down to 45 by the end of the month coz i'm sure i'm gonna put on weifght while abroad. i've been smoking very little these days due to my job and also trying to take a little more care of myself. so the appetite's been better. need to watch the scales, cant afford to balloon up like a whale again. i dont have the luxury of a crazily high metabolic rate like i did in my teens. the things i take for granted :)

i need to get a few good books into my system soon. i'm really restless when i'm at home and books settle me down. escapism at its finest.

3rd oct - original post written 345am

2010-10-03T05:24:00.005+08:00

I accidentally deleted the freaking long post i just wrote while cleaning up the blog. so i decided to stop the cleaning. for those who kindly read this entry, dont bother beyond this one. You'll need a barf bag, I guarantee.

So updates. Family first. ah boy is a growing, annoying boy of 14. mira has just started down the road of relationships. it's making me worried but i know she's got to make her own mistakes. adek, same old, stil with zakaria. working at a childcare centre. daddy, no change. mummy is the one that worries me most. she's having her op on the 20th 8am. Hopefully her stomach troubles will be over after that. Insya'Allah. I'm flying off at the end of the month.

After a long hiatus of 10 mths, I finally got my lazy ass back to work again in June. Hurray, hurray. It doesnt pay anywhere near what i used to get, but at least i'm occupied, i'm being useful (read: tak setakat habiskan beras kat rumah aje!) and I'm not getting into sticky situations anymore. Surely, that counts for something, ya?

Friends tell me I should go out and date again. It's not that I dont want to. But it's not really that simple. I'm not really at the stage where I just wanna have fun anymore. Sometimes when I walk around, I see couples smiling, joking, just enjoying each other's company, and I remember. I remember how Ayi and I used to be. early 06- oct 08. we went thru so much together. I also remember how badly I used to be beaten by him. I remember him saying, " tak B, kita tak tinggalkan awak. Kita sayang awak k." I remember how i stayed even though it was so painful. Eventually he was the one who left. He's now married to someone else. He used to say I saved his life. I remember.

In 09, it was armin. I remember how he cried and promised me he would stay with me. But he betrayed me. again and again. I remember.

I remember the times when it was so bad I was tempted to do something drastic. I remember the times thinking, why me? I remember asking God to take away my misery. When you cannot forget these things, how can you even think of loving again? So I didnt. I became what I told myself i would never become. Shameful. It took a big slap, something colossal to snap me out of my drunken haze. So it has been 3 months without any men at all. The past month or so I didnt even meet any guy friends. So how?

By making new memories. Keeping only friends ones who are sincere. Wounds heal, pain diminishes. It's about choices. You meet someone. The person stirs up feelings in you that you thought were dead. So do you run away? or do you give it a chance?

I worry if my past is too much to take. As for me, it doesnt take much. I'm not the high-maintenance, flowers and flashy stuff kinda girl. It's about the little things. A kiss on the forehead. A hug. A listening ear. Yeah, the little things. Somehow be proud of me.

I've met someone special. I see myself in him. You dont know, but I think ure special. And I'll tell you that everyday for the rest of my life if you'll let me.

Rain started halfway thru this entry.

Good morning.

I LOVE YOU

2008-11-09T23:01:00.002+08:00

stumbled upon this song while watching music videos on youtube earlier. used to like it. still do, i guess.

I must be crazy now
Maybe I think too much
But when I think of you
I long to feel your touch
To whisper in your ear
Words that are old as time
Words only you would hear
If only you were mine

I wish i could go back to the very first day I saw you
Should've made my move
When you looked in my eyes
Coz by now I know that u'd feel the way that I do
N i'd whisper these words as u'd lie here by my side

I love you
Please say u love me too
These 3 words
They could change our lives forever
N i promise you that we wld always be together
Till the end of time....

So today I finally find
The courage deep inside
Just to walk right up to your door
But my body cant move
When I finally get to it
Just like a thousand times before

Then without a word he handed me this letter
Read I hope this finds the way into your heart

It said..

(Chorus)

And maybe I
Maybe you
U need somebody just to hold u

If you do, just reach out and i'll be there....

indeed. for the right person.

29th august

2008-08-29T12:10:00.002+08:00

have got all the necessary documents...will start teaching properly on the 10th.. 8th and 9th will be spent on a course...hmmm.. not worried much, juz wondering how the teachers will be tho. am looking forward to a good and stable hopefully lifelong career...

thanks to all who have been supportive and continue to do so... i love you all..

oh, i will be in the aftn session..sounds gd coz can sleep late.. sch is near my houz.. only need to wake up aBT 1030 or so. ending at 6, gd starting pay, gd benefits... alhamdulil'lah...

lots of love to my b, without ur endless help and encouragement i wouldnt reach this stage... can never thank u enough..

things are turning ard for me with the help of god.. hope i dont mess up anything again..

:)

29th july

2008-07-29T21:20:00.003+08:00

I LOVE YOU SAYANG!!!!!!!!!!

i apologise for the lack of interesting things that i put on the blog.... just as well since i'm about to embark on a potentially permanent phase where I have to censor most of the things I say and write, or and the things I do. Occupational hazard i would say...but then again the perks are amazing, so hey, who's complaining? hehe...

waiting for the MAN to get his butt online so we can have our 1st online conversation in over 2 yrs of resigning ourselves to this oh-so-happy-but-i-want-to-strangle-you relationship. hehe. think he might have fallen asleep again..went to collect his laptop last week, got internet on the same day... happy boy he is nowadays...

and in case i dont get to blog the couple of days, HAPPY 29TH BIRTHDAY BABY (1st aug)... wishing you healthy years ahead with your loved ones and me right under ur armpit... or making ur tummy fart... i love you always and kite nak kawin yayayay!! haha... in a few years... simpan duit dulu k ayu. lol.

to round things up, hope that the happenings over the last few weeks or so will be a great step ahead for me.. wont be easy, but i think i'm gonna make it, insya'allah. :)

update on the hamdan family

2008-07-13T14:38:00.002+08:00

ah boy fractured his arm so will be using a cast til prob late aug or so... tripped on some net. anyways going to head out to meet my b soon...have a good day all.. tata

satu gambar

2008-07-10T23:36:00.001+08:00

HAPPY 2ND ANNIVERSARY AYU N AYI !!!!!

2008-07-10T23:24:00.002+08:00

wow... it's been a long and winding journey but yup we're finally here today..we've barely begun but i'm glad tt he's here to hold my hand come what may..

having said thatt, we've bought a new pc and got broadband so i guess i can start posting regularly... would be teaching soon. good luck to me. can anyone picture me as a teacher? heh....

aite good night all...

I LOVE YOU AYI.

better in time

2008-07-05T17:14:00.002+08:00

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one

Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realise that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings
but that's the pathI believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok
[Chorus:]
Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is
I'll be fine without you
Yes I will
[Chorus]

i hope that's what happens eventually for all of us. no matter how hurtful, no matter how painful, it does us well to know that there's other ppl out there going thru worse stuff..... so we trudge thru the rest of the days with a smile on the face, even if it does crack a little once in awhile.. n u pray, u pray that it will get better in time.. god nv lets us down.

i am happy nowadays, though i'm careful not to enjoy myself too much.. everything goes away, in time... so you hold on and appreciate what you have, who you love..

speaking abt that, i juz wanna wish b and myself a happy 2nd anniversary on the the 10th of july... thru thick and thin theru hurt and pain i'll be there for you.

there's a song which fits the description of my love for him today...

You're Still The One

(When I first saw you, I saw love.
And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And afterall this time, you're still the one I love.)

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday
They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'
They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong (You're still the one)

You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night (You're still the one)

I'm so glad we've made it
Look how far we've come, my baby.

so true, so true... more blessed years ahead...

look how far we've come my baby....

It's all coming back to me now....

2008-06-10T12:04:00.001+08:00

it's been more than a yr since a last posted.... had to recover this precocious blog earlier today...have not got much to say except happy anniversary baby and good day to all my frens...

much love

ola

2007-02-04T12:56:00.000+08:00

yup itz been a long time since i've updated this old blog of mine... was kinda bz with work n b.... anyway tmr i will embark on a new journey( new job la).....

nothing much happening lately, all is rather well. me n b r getting down to serious business.... the date is approaching near. how do i feel? apprehensive, sure. itz a big step for me. possible regrets? no. i love this man, he has changed my life and i do want to be with him dearly. the coming months might be a bit trying, but we believe as long as we are single-minded on this, it should be alright. i'm very happy for us.

my b is sleeping at hm as i write this, being on the night shift for this month... we dont tok to each other as much... absence makes the heart fonder, i agree.

sometimes i wonder whether i'm ready for this. but everyone has to make adjustments. i like the way my life is now, i'm happy and my r'ship with be is improving. alhamdulil'lah....

i went clubbing last friday... to celebrate yaya's bdae... i had fun yes, but i felt bad abt being there when my b was working. i dont think i'm going anymore, shall only go with my b... maybe mos next time when he's on the day shift.

itz nearing 7 months now, and almost a yr since we started getting to know each other. since then there's been many ups and downs, tears, laughter, we've had them all.

but i still say thank god i found u, my colour of love.

smile

2006-12-29T13:28:00.000+08:00

miracle of love..... dont underestimate it...

anyway was in town yesterday to celebrate my kuzin's bdae..went to eat at far east, then watched the holiday.. sorry baby, but jude law is cuttteeeee. sigh.

am job-hunting rather passively.....

i love love.

nothing much to say really... the wedding was great... so touching la the akad nikah.... sigh.

okie u tc peeps

a new chapter

2006-12-22T12:50:00.000+08:00

in the next few days a new chapter will unravel for some..what part do i play in this? simply to be happy for them of course! will be picking up my clothes later n gg over 2nyt... i'm so excited for them... kinda close to them so the hype's getting to me.

the taxi driver yest asked me when itz gonna b my turn...... well...all in gd time.... much to be learnt still...never-ending, love is.

congrats to the couple.... the nxt time i blog insya'allah dah selamat pon diorang.... :)

why

2006-12-15T15:21:00.000+08:00

why did i quit? coz i someoly couldnt stand the hours and lack of social life that came with the job.

some nice things for me from b to remember in case my hp dies on me :

u have not offended me in any way lah. jng salah sangka juga... i've been in a low mood for the past 8mths. luar je nampak ceria. inside, its a wrecked and sunk ship... (2/7)

juz for my general info, wld u kndly tell me if u hv a fear of becomign a bike pillion? (3/7)

wld u consider goin on a date wif an overaged guy like mein the near future if an oppurtunity arises? juz keluar makan, movieor gi zoo/ nite safari... (3/7)

seems u r asleep already dear. tried 2surpise uwith a col 2chat, tapi dead response from singhtel.gd nyt n gd mornin when you wake up (3/7)

thanks 4makin me realise my mistake.maybe i've fallen 2much, 2fast 4u b. its been almost a yr since i had sum1 to love. like i said, its like a beautiful dream 4me. reality chick n itz true, we have a r'ship going. alhamdulil'lah... i'll stop calling you sayang if dats wat u want.maybe i hv a tendency to channel 2much care, concern n understanding 2dat special sum2 dat i hv.its my greatest weakness.i'll put sum brakes2dat nw k. time will tell how dis r'ship goes k ayu. (20/7)

B, as much as i wld like to restrict my feelings my feelings4u, i cant do dat cos wen it comes down to the basics of love, itz asn overwhelming feeling dat i wanna share wif u. tak guna nak ayi sekat2kan cinta ni utk awk. we r different, man and woman dont think alike. i'm sori but ic ant deny the feeling of love4u. terpulang pada awak nak terima atautidak. u hv your won ways of r'ship. ayi ada prinsip. wat am i if i go against principles. i''ll be nothing.u take care sayang. i miss u. (20/7)

u dnt hv2say anything my dear. juz smile n keep my feelings close2yr heart. insya'allah cinta kita akan berjangkit pada hati awak b.i'll pray 4dat. jaga diri b. (20/7)

Mungkin berkat doa ayi berbulan2 hv paid off.alhamdulil'lah. it's a happy feeling dat i cant describe being loved by sum1. my scars r slowly healing since i hv u.... (21/7)

and that was the start of this r'ship, a happy one despite the occasional tears...........

in life, sumtimes we plan to hv dis n dat, in hope dat everything goes smoothly. if we can foresee the future, we wldnt want 2make the slightest mistakes n b on the right path of a gd life all the time. alas, who r we to not make mistakes n hurt the people we love most.we r juz humans, n itz human to make mistakes. i hope we learn a lesson frm our mkstakes n may god hinder us frm committing the same mistakes n sins over n over agn...i love you ayu. may we reach our common goal togther as husband and wife n learn the ways of love2geda,faithfully, patiently n hv a mutual understanding. afamily of our won wld be nice eh?the road will be long and uncertain 4us at times, but having sum1 by yr side makes the trip worthwhile. take care n be happy always. u hv me by ur side....

Love, ayi. (12/12)

what's there not to love abt this man... not much. of course he has flaws, as do everyone else.... this is the man i pray god sent to me for a husband. insya'allah.

give me juz a li'l bit more

2006-12-07T12:51:00.000+08:00

a li'l bit more wat? I guess i li'l bit more of everything, except problems...but no matter how much you wish them away they still do cum creeping back into ur life, dont they... an inevitable facet of life.

anyway, am about to rush off for work in abt an hr, so i'm juz kinda filling in the boring slots of life at home by updating my blog.....

when do you reach the point of enough is enough? never. then baby u'd noe how i feel. despite those painful arguments and disagreements, those days when we both cry oursleves to sleep.... when you wake up, u realise you cant spend that day without him. i guess we both have been through enough to recognise a good thing when we see it... some days are painful, some absolute bliss.... its a normal relationship. and one we intend to keep going till our last breaths. insya'allah. first step would be our engagement... bukanlah mengharapkan sangat majlis tu terjadi but the whole point is it gives our relationship direction..we have seen changes in both of us, more focused in preparing for our lives together.

how do you measure love? by time, by quantity?

the thing is, you cant. is a 5 mth relationship like ours any betta or worse than one of 5 yrs? i dont think so.... neither do i have the need to find out. everyone works differently. there are blessings in each obstacle....

all that matters is we stay true to ourselves. and our partners. having been though alot of bullshit when i was younger, even the things that i see around me now, i intend to keep tt promise of mine. not because i have to, but because i want to. itz not worth the heartache. trust me baby.

itz raining here... should get my butt off the chair n get ready for work. nvm, itz wif kakak so tiz fine...

md asya'ari. what will i do without you.

yo

2006-12-06T23:32:00.000+08:00

had my first 6am-3pm shift today...wasnt so bad...hafta admit it gave me more time to do stuff i wan to do (sleep, sleep,sleep), but the absolute mothereffingly up at 4 in the morn..... doubt i'll ever get used to it.

anyhow, tmr's shift starts at 3 so i'll get to sleep in or maybe have lunch at 1st....

i cant put up the pix yet because i've got to set up my scanner again, which obviously i havent done since i barely get to use the pc... this update only happened coz i've already slept for abt 4 hrs earlier..my innate clock has gone haywire.

time check:11.40pm.

waiting for b to get back from zul's houz, maybe msg a li'l before gg to sleep. if i can tt is. was planning this end-month's expenses...a bit fed-up with the cpf contribution. i noe itz for old age and yada yada but still, you feel the pinchhhhhhhhhhhh.

have not met any of my frens for over a week since i started work. even finding difficulty to mit up with ayi sumtyms. by the time i get hm sum days, he's already asleep... but i guess in a relationship, you HAVE to make time. looking forward to seeing you again love.

i dont have nail polish remover. damn. the polish is starting to be yucky....... but still ok so i hope tmr b4 i report for work i have the brains to go n buy one.

have been thinking abt stuff lately, how my life has changed so much in the last couple of mths, actually even last week... feels like itz more purposeful instead of floundering abt without direction...i like that.

thank you ayi for what you're doing for us. i appreciate it. i'm doing what i can too.

seems like there's so much to say but i dont even noe where to begin or how to end.

whatever it is, i pray i have the strength to face what comes my way..

i love you baby. u've done so much for me. but what we have, this love we share, itz not gratitude or terpaksa. we do belong together. after all that's happened, i dont doubt tt anymore. i pray our plans for june goes smoothly. i'm with you always, even during those time when i really want to STRANGLE N THROTTLE you. thank you n thank God for everything. amin.

to the rest of the peeps, happy holidays, happy working, simply be happy you have one more day with your loved ones........

yayyyyy

2006-12-05T14:19:00.000+08:00

back online at long last...as in i have access from hm...

hooray...but i guess i'm paying the bills as well...oh well.... at least i can update as n wen i feel like it...shall update my pix soon..wait for it...

:)

at ain's place

2006-11-27T17:02:00.000+08:00

itz a rainy day and am at ain's palce, updating my blog....

i think i need to steal a photo from my bebeh coz i dont think i have any pix of my n b here....

and here it is. amek kau....... taken at bebeh's place during the open house.... today i shall go shopping.. itz for a good coz tho, dont start shaking your head saying " WOMEN!!!! " at me ok... i need to get clothes for work, which i start on wednesday.. shall only say tt itz a well-known store... but itz making me pay before i even get the first cheque. how sad...nevermind, itz an investment i guess....

i love you baby. :)

slumbbbbbbeeeeer partyyyy

2006-11-24T23:29:00.000+08:00

me is at ain's place...not ain stoning but siti nur ain.... funny how these sleepovers only occur after we've sort of left school.... itz just starting, this party.... so i'll be looking forward to madness tonyt..hehe.

today's a bad day but i absolutely refuse to think abt the things tt have just happened....

so tonight i shall enjoy myself thoroughly and whatever happens later, i'll think abt it afterwards.

partyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

last day

2006-11-21T13:27:00.000+08:00

today's the last day of school for me... the lit paper today marks the last day of my being a pre-u student... feelings? none.

had a pretty bad week, but everything's ok, worked things out.... shall have to go job-hunting. argh.

time flies so fast... soon another year will be gone. wow.

usah biar ku sendirian
usah biar hatimu ditawan
usah biarku berdiri di sini
seorang menunggu tanpa teman
usah lepas genggaman tanganmu
usah biar semua berlalu
usah terlupa perasaan hati
pertama kali kita bertemu

usah lepaskan......

dont let go of all the precious things in life...hold on tight.... dont take things for granted....

baby i will always love you as long as you take care of my heart.

change me

2006-11-17T14:04:00.000+08:00

these are the things i've found to be more important than me lately:

1) money
2) sleep
3) almost everything else

wow. thanks.

change me - ruben studdard

How would you like it if I talked about your skin
The way you wear your hair (oh, girl)
Would you like if I talked about your butt or once a month
Turned into someone that was hard to love
How would you like it if I didn't like your smoke
Didn't like your polish you be wearing on your toes
If I didn't like your neck-a-lace or what you cooked for breakfast
Would I be wrong, would I be wrong

Why you wanna change me
Flip all the thangs that really make me the way that I am
Used to make you happy, baby, why you wanna change me
You used to like your big old teddy bear
You used to let me get it anywhere
Now, baby, it's crazy
Why, why, why you wanna change me
Now what if all I did was pick apart
Your friends cause they ain't got no ends
What if I talked about your face in the morning
Cause we know that you ain't cute in the morning
What if I criticized the way that you be eating
And when you sleeping
You be doing that heavy breathing
What if I was at or about your house creeping
Would I be wrong, would I be wrong
Why you wanna change me

Flip all the thangs that really make me the way that I am
Used to make you happy, baby, why you wanna change me
You used to like your big old teddy bear
You used to let me get it anywhere
Now, baby, it's crazy
Why, why, why you wanna change me
We used to love breaking up
Knowing well be together again
And we used to love the arguments
Cause we making love by the end, girl
How you gonna change everything in return
Cause I don't wanna go if it ain't gonna be the same
If it ain't broke then why you wanna change
Why you wanna change me

Flip all the thangs that really make me the way that I am
Used to make you happy, baby, why you wanna change me
You used to like your big old teddy bear
You used to let me get it anywhere
Now, baby, it's crazy
Why, why, why you wanna change me

Tell me why you wanna change
Why, why, why you wanna change me
Why you wanna change me
Why baby, tell me why, girl, why
Baby, tell me why you wanna change me
Why you wanna change me
Why, baby, tell me why, girl
Baby, tell me why
Why you wanna change me
Why you wanna change me
Why, baby, tell me why
Baby, tell me why

maybe people need to learn that when you love, you love the flaws as well..... coz tt is your other half, the part that makes us human.

yesterday was not a good day. maybe you need to think about what you said. then get back to me.

sometimes i wonder if you're the same person i fell in love with. but i do know where i stand now, after yesterday.

thank you.

my love

2006-11-10T12:48:00.000+08:00

Justin Timberlake My Love Lyrics
Ain't another woman that could take your spot my...

If I wrote you a symphony
Just to say how much you mean to me (What would you do?)
If I told you you were beautiful
Would you date me on the regular? (Tell me would you?)
Well baby I've been around the world
But I ain't seen myself another girl (like you)

This ring here represents my heart
But there is just one thing I need from you (say I do)
Because I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach our toes in the sand
I can see us on the country side
Sittin' on the grass laying side by side
You can be my baby
Let me make you my lady
Girl you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothin' crazy

See all I want you to do is be my love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot my love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot
My loooooooove, looooooove
My loooove
My loooove

Now if I wrote you a love note
And made you smile with every word I wrote (What would you do?)
Would that make you wanna change your scene
And wanna be the one on my team? (Tell me would you?)
See what's the point in waitin' anymore
Cause girl I never been more sure (That baby it's you)
This ring here represents my heart
And everything that you been waiting for (Just say I do)

Because I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach our toes in the sand
I can see us on the country side
Sittin' on the grass laying side by side
You can be my baby
Let me make you my lady
Girl you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothin' crazy
See all I want you to do is be my love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot my love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot

My loooooooove, looooooove
My loooove (A'ight it's time to hit it J.T.)
My looo...(I dunno why she hesitatin' for man)...oove
Eh shorty cool as a fan
On the new once again
And he still have fans from Peru to Japan
Listen baby I don't wanna ruin your plan (Nah)
But if you got a man try to lose 'em if you can
Cause the girls real wild throw their hands up high
When they wanna come and kick it with a stand up guy (Kick it)
You don't really wanna let the chance go by
Cause you ain't been seen with a man so fly
Baby friend so fly i can go fly
Private cause I handle my B.I.
They call me candle guy (Why?)
Simply cuz I am on (Haha!) fire
I hate to have to cancel my vacation so you can't deny
I’m patient but I ain’t goin' try (Nah)
You don’t come I ain’t goin' die
Hold up what you mean you can’t go why? (Why?)
Me and your boyfriend we ain't no tie (Ah)
You say you wanna kick it when I ain't so high (Man)
Well baby it's obvious that I ain’t your guy I ain’t goin' lie
I feel your space
But forget your face I swear I will
St. Bart's Anguilla anywhere I chill
Just bring wit me a pair I will

(Come on) I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach our toes in the sand
I can see us on the country side
Sitting on the grass laying side by side
You can be my baby
Let me make you my lady
Girl you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothin' crazy
See all I want you to do is be my love (Looooooove)
My love (Looooooove) My love (Looooooove)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot my love (Looooooove)
My love (Looooooove)
My love (Looooooove)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot
My looooooove, loooooove My loooove, My loooove

one of the nicest songs on the radio nowadays......

happy anniversary my love.

gila dong

2006-11-03T12:51:00.000+08:00

had an extremely bad day yest...tapi alhamdulil'lah everything's back on track now.... sitting for my second a level paper in abt 1 1/2 hrs.. those who know my story wld be familiar with the fact tt i didnt study at all.......

oh well...dah bayar kan, amek jelah..

in abt 2 weeks i'll be just another unemployed person on the streets. how delightful...

not tt much to update, am sleepy now..... thank gawd for the one wk break till my next paper... waking up at 6 has been very painful...yelah, dah biase bangun bila matahari dah tegak...

okie me is bored with the way the entry is gg.... do tag me ya, i'd like to noe wat u guys have been up to...

i love you dum2.

back

2006-10-26T14:57:00.000+08:00

wow, been abt two months since i last updated..did not have access to a pc unfortunately... i have net access but my pc's down. blardy hell..

first of all i'd like to wish all muslims out there a selamat hari raya maaf zahir batin seiklas2nya dari saya.........

as for updates on my life, nothing much, not attending sch anymore, nor studying altho the a's is abt a week away. a stubborn bitch yes i am.

as for me n ayi, alhamdulil'lah everything's gd.. had the oppurtunity to spend malam raye as well as raya kedua with him at my place....

kalau takde aral melintang insya'allah bulan 6 nanti la.

overall i am doing ok, taking things one day at a time...

i miss my frens n lepaking but these things hafta end some day anyway.......

aite tc all.... away with haze!!!!!

bila kau tiada

2006-08-24T10:52:00.000+08:00

itz hard to breathe when we're apart
u're like sunshine in my heart
i keep you here inside
u've been everything to me
u've been and always will be
the apple of my eye

how do i even begin? how do i even describe what's happening to us now? i cant.

i guess from an outsider's point of view it does look rather superficial and juz being happy for the moment... but we both know the truth behind everything.

if you love me
look into my eyes and say u do
i've been waiting all my life
for someone just like you
and baby after all we've been thru
b i'm still in love with you
and i want u to know
i do....i do....

i dont deny there are fights sometimes.... of course there are. tears have flowed, angry words have been spoken... but at the end of the day, we are still together and hopefully we'll make it thru. it will not be easy, we both know that. we are after all humans. but we'll do our best and work hard for our future together. i thank god for having another chance, for not letting go of u...... everything happens for a reason...

n i thank you for being the man you are. itz not easy being with me i noe. but u noe my heart, i trust u with it. love doesnt have to hurt all the time.

it feels like springtime in summer
it feels like christmas in june
it feels like heaven
has opened up its gates for me n u.......

i love you chipmunk. when will i c u again....when does my heart beat again?

and yes, b.... i will. the answer is yes.

aha!

2006-08-23T11:20:00.000+08:00

am free today and for the rest of the day, up till 12 at least...then i think we're gonna get to see ronin, afterwhich i head over to toh tuck for lit till abt 530 or so.....

then head down to kallang to meet b.... he wants to go look at handphones..in fact what i'm doing is checking them out now... wonder wat happened to him wanting a 3310... nuts. well actually itz not such a bad idea since his hp drops abt a million times wen he goes into the trails and falls over fallen trunks and what-nots... saw the bruise near the groin area. ugly b. hurts like hell, i can tell.

other than that, not much happened lately, met him twice yest, in the morning and at night... were discussing our plans.... itz tough being like this. patience is the key i guess...but for how long??

still cant put up pics yet... the pc at sch doesnt allow it.

i hope to god that wen we go thru the prelim paper later on it will have sum resemblance to what i wrote on the answer script, otherwise i'm food for the fishes.

seems to be gorging alot of bubble tea now thanks to ayi..... that darling bf of mine sanggup dtg from work juz to go buy bubble tea at my place.. tt's such a sorry excuse..i noe u miss me.lol.

anyway, yupz the trip to escape was boring... me and b took a grand total of 3 rides.... the viking was first...my mum was laughing hysterically at his stupid antics, calling her ibunda n all, the only one screaming on the viking, while i was bopping up and down... second was the minature roller coaster... my boy is so huge tt i had to force his thigh out of the carriage haha..then we took the spiderman kinda ride.... n him being the belo guy tt he is, he was screaming away... nuts.

then while the rest of my family went home, me and ayi bought food at changi village, then had sum bubble tea.. i swear pearls will start appearing on his forehead soon. or i will pull his nose off his face if he begins his takopachi rap again.. ya allah, kenapelah matair aku mcm ni?????????

discussing the engagement......... maybe next year insya'allah kalau takde halangan. just a small majlis je... tak patot membazir.

because you're here for me my heart still beats.......

it will colour your soul like a rainbow....and the colour of love is in u

gue lagi

2006-08-16T11:11:00.000+08:00

hey...have a couple of free periods so i tot of putting up an entry...

spent the day with bebeh yest, merepek as always.... thing abt best frens are time never seems to lapse... you simply go on like you've nv been separated, though actually i havent seen her for abt a month, i think ever since i got attached to b..

so yupz, watched gubra with her... ate kfc, then sum more chicken wen auntie came hm...after tt we had ice-cream n had fun spilling it onto her bed.. btw have u changed the sheets yet u biatch?

am actually smsing her as i write this. bebeh says she misses our lepak days... of course babe..with me......... DUH!!!!!!!!

i know i shd have put the pix up but i am a lazy moron so dont blame me....

today shall be meeting b again... i am so looking forward to saturday dear...then we'll get a taste of us as a family... i tot it was nice of mummy to invite u to come along..lepas satu beban kan b, we have parental approval with regards to our relationship. alhamdulilah. hope everything turns out fine on saturday... r u sure u wanna take the bus??? lol. i tot it was ridiculous how my mum kept blushing when u wanted to tok to her on the phone...she absolutely refused to take my hp, behaving rather like a 'blardy teenager' receiving a call from her crush..hehe. oh well.... jganlah ampu bakal mak mertua awak tu byk sgt.... tak sayang matair ke? hehe... actually i do appreciate the efforts u are making to gel with my family... the kids already like u.. :)

pelan2 la b eh kite discuss everything...i hope u'll be patient with me n my perangai sometimes.... insya'allah kalau everything goes well... jadilah. but for now we just spend time really getting to noe each other jela....

as for the rest of my life, itz been tolerable..nothing exciting or watsoeva....

hmmmmm....... prelims next month...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... confidence ayu, confidence! heh.

alrite running out of steam now... more next time.

anyway,

smile

2006-08-14T12:12:00.000+08:00

hello peeps.... the time has come again for you to be bored with my entries....

anyway, spent quite a lot of time outside in the last week or so, it being full of holidays.... rather bored now actually..dont intend to stay for lessons since my mind is already on overload...had fun during lit earlier tho...

maybe i should learn to shut up during lessons... but the thing is i find it to be most effextive if i'm actively engaged in the discussions... u can call me step pandai but hey... a levels nanti aku tak rugi.

hmmm...otherwise things have been relatively ok lately..had a big fight couple of days ago with b... but it was settled quickly... it was a good wake-up call to the both of us.. plans are still on :)

was it an unreparable loss, or a long-term gain? i will not know till the time comes.

a lot of things have changed lately, maybe for the better.... to have concrete plans for the future together is yes, abit frightening n overwhelming, but itz for the best..... pray hard n work hard i say. and enjoy urself in the process.

i cant put up the pictures yet, shall get bebeh to do it for me sumtime....

ok beb, saw ur entry.... i wanna watch gubra dari dulu tapi entah ape jadi... can u lend it to me so i can watch it wif b? we keep on watching stupid movies...hehe... n we'll fall asleep halfway thru..

b... since when i did become ur masseuse??? i hired u to be my masseur.... ni dah kurang ajar ni!!!!!!! hehe... lup u la baby... see you later.

frankly, it hasnt been an easy 5 wks for us.... we both had nasty secrets..but itz all in the open now, we forgive, we accept and open a new book. our future together.

b...i think later this week perhaps friday u can cum over, mummy was bz last week. sori. i like the puzzle u made hehe... simple, but thoughtful n sweet... thanks.... n DONT U DARE PUT THE HELMET ON ME THE WRONG WAY AROUND!!!!!!!!!!! not funny b..not funny..

n pls...wear your.... ermmm....hehe.

i know i'll make it thru the miracle of you.

:)

2006-08-07T12:25:00.000+08:00

i am seriously a very bad blogger these days, havent been updating much recently.... but life has been rather kind to me these days, sorta....

on the 10th it wld be my one month anniversary so actually itz still the honeymoon period now la, been seeing b practically everyday, not sure whether it'd be the same today lol.. i love u b.

had some serious discussions lately, itz nice to actually think abt OUR future together instead of focusing on oneself and one's needs and wants.. he was telling me abt housing and stuff...am rather relieved tt shd we have jodoh, it wouldnt be a problem...

so, as of today, things are quite fine between us. god willing, we do want to make it really official and hopefully last a lifetime...but we dont want to hope too much..there's where both of us made mistakes previously... just doa and mintak resu mak bapak aje...

we've met each other's mums... so far so good i guess... insya'allah ok la.

itz nice to finally know where we're headed instead of drifting aimlessly, not knowing where we stand, not being sure of anything.....

thank gawd for the holidays this week... yay.

i miss u beb!!!!!!! where have u disappeared to, goheadgostan?????????

because u're here for me my heart still beats.

luper

2006-08-01T13:12:00.000+08:00

i forgot to say the most important thing for today......

HAPPY 27TH BIRTHDAY B!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU....

yup...in spite of the rather shaky beginning we're now quite steady, very happy now, though there are still some unresolved issues involving other people.... we both have dark histories, like u said, we learn from them and apply to our rship now.... we'll make it b insya'allah.

will always remember what happened that night.. was the most romantic and touching incident tt's happened...we'll both remember that night for the rest of our lives i guess.... i'm thankful i've got u in my life b.... finally there's someone i can rely on, someone to wipe my tears, someone to make me laugh....simply someone to love.

ur voice doesnt suck, i like it. will always remember when you sang this song for me, tears streaming down both our faces.... this is your song for me right :)

colour of love - boyz 2 men
I was lonelyI needed someone to see me through
I was at the end of my rope
I needed some one to cut me loose (someone)
Then an angel out of the blue
Gave me the sense that I
Might make it through
And somehow I survived
With no rhyme or reason
And now I know I'll make it
Through the miracle of you

I know the color of love
And it lives inside of you
I know the color of truth
It's in the image of you
If it comes from the heart
Then you know that it's true
It will color your soul
Like a rainbow (Like a rainbow)
And the color of love is in you
Colors and colors and.........

Like a bridge
Over troubled, troubled waters
You stood beside me (stood beside me)
And your love will not falter (your love did not falter)
And then the angel, the angel in you
Gave the strength to know (gave me the strength)
That I will get through
And that's how I survived
Aint no other reason
And now I know I'll make it
Through the miracle of you

I know the color of love
And it lives inside of you
I know the color of truth
It's in the image you
If it comes from the heart
Then you know that it's true
It will color your soul
Like a rainbow (Like a rainbow)
And the color of love is in you
Colors and colors and.......

O....
So girl I wanna thank you
I can't thank you enough
For showing me the meaning
The meaning of true love
When I was lost and so in need
You opened you heart (opened up your heart)
I needed you to comfort me
You opened you arms (opened up your arms)
I couldn't face another day
You said don't be afraid
You showed my heart
Showed me the way........

I know the color of love
And it lives inside of you
I know the color of truth
It's in the image of you
If it comes from the heart
Then you know that it's true
It will color your soul
Like a rainbow (Like a rainbow)
And the color of love is in you
Colors and colors and......

I love you ayi.

update

2006-08-01T13:01:00.000+08:00

have not been able to update the blog due to many reasons, but mainly because of laziness....watz new anyway right..

the past 5 days have been beautiful........ i've let my heart be healed and love has been restored, perhaps stronger than before now. i've done thigns i never wanted to do, but now i see it from a different perspective.

wateva it is... b i love you.

let's both pray and work hard at our relationship....

tulis lagi

2006-07-25T13:42:00.000+08:00

have a couple of free periods before p.e so here i am writing my usual rubbish... yesterday had a really good talk with b... tears flowed but at the end of it all i think we both gained something, a lot of things now tt we hafta really think about... clearly the road has never been smooth but effective communication does help alot, especiallty when it comes to touchy issues and painful things... arghhhh... they're stealing the comp must go now

teringat

2006-07-24T12:42:00.000+08:00

i told b i would write something abotu last weekend so i will do it now.....

laz weekend i was with b at bedok reservoir.... were both juz spending quality time with each other when something happened, shall not say what but it shocked me to tears.... rather deja vu-ish really.... so yes, i started crying then b was like

b, pls dont cry...i cant c u like this... i dont want to see you cry. kite tak terbayar airmata awak... (i actually had the cheek to retort kite tk suruh awak bayar pon! while crying)

then he hugged me from behind..... after tt he kneeled in front of me n asked for my forgiveness. b kate kalau kite tk nk maafkan pon takpe asalkan i stop crying...i started crying even more actually.... then he hugged me again and after awhile i realised he was crying too.... he told me his feelings and i was incredibly touched... so yup, i stopped crossing my arms, touched his face and the rest is history.

i realised i had feelings for him then.

:)

2006-07-24T12:10:00.000+08:00

hey.... this is a rare oppurtunity to update my blog... dont have much to say realli, except tt i was at ecp with b again last night. yest was a damn bad day for both of us, we both got hurt saying mean things to each other....

and i couldnt receive his usual calls in the morning when he wakes up coz my batt is flat.... still is right now so when i get back i suppose there'll be a flood of messages from him. i am quite contrite right now, i did say some stupid things, i usually do in a fit of anger...but b u hurt me too.

wateva it is i hope all is forgiven, takde lautan yang tak bergolora kan b.... this should juz be a painful but good reminder for us to keep our rship strong.....

i miss u b...... i'm sorry u had to rush back from work to meet me then have the night end with hurt and anger.... i'm thankful tt u were honest abt ur feelings, i'm grateful tt u are what u are..... i dont need to find a better looking or richer guy, he mght not be able to make me as happy as u can. today i shall aim to be a better person for u n me.

ok...should stop all this mushiness..... cant help it la. yesterday was a bad bad day.. sigh. we need to really be in tune with each other's feelings i guess.

have school till 430, itz only abt 12+ now and i'm dying. i miss my b, despite all the fights and tears.... insya'allah kite ade jodoh eh b. :)

wah dah lawa seeeeeehhhhhhh

2006-07-21T10:48:00.000+08:00

haha... have not been able to get anything up on my blog for some time...quite a big lapse i think.... well nothing much happening la, juz spent my days with my b.... though itz difficult with the totally effed up schedules tt we both have. cant wait to start working, independence shall be mine then.....

where have i been with baby lately.... hmmmm... there was one funny weekend where we went to these places in abt 30 hrs... yup, stinko us tak mandi semalaman.... haha. we went mount faber (twice), ecp, bugis, town, mustaffa centre (twice), gateway building to rectify some problems hehe, i think i missed out some more... all said and done, it was gerek..

and abt 2 nights ago went to night safari with him...b, i do not appreciate u laughing at me. bats r NOT anything remotely funny. so wat if they've got superb senses and wont go banging into me???

anyway, cant meet up much anymore coz of him doing a lot of ot and me being more-or-less grounded. i quite deserve it la actually. havent been home till after midnight for many many days.... thank gawd b has a bike or we'll die from taxi-fare syndrome.

anyway i miss my bebeh...beb, we should meet up soon....

other than that i am a happy woman. itz amazing the things that happen when u least expect them....

so.....

2006-07-13T15:17:00.000+08:00

shall i give the full story..... well i dont think so la. shd like it to be our little secret.

well anyway really am feeling good lately. seems like all that waiting really paid off.

i saw the school counsellor juz now when i went to pick up his call during gp.... brought back memories... but itz over n done and i'm looking forward to better days.

so anyway had a good time yesterday, havent felt like that for a long time..... :)

you cant read this but i miss you..... waiting for your kol....ok i'm quite mushy now. cant help it la. but gain this doesnt feel like the heady cloud-nine feeling but a more firm, rooted feeling. not love yet definitely but the more i look at his face the more rase sayang timbul kat hati.

i'll try.

itz a bit tough to be starting from scratch all over again but i find myself relishing every moment, perhaps at the end of this we'll emerge better people. i'll do wat i can to make this work babe i promise. we'll both do our parts... right now i noe there's a rough patch but like u said, ultimately kite yg menentukan whether this works or not. kite mintak maaf kalau kadang2 kite perangai sikit...... sorila wak, awak tau kan kite tk pernah ade niat nk burukkan keadaan. i'll c u as soon as i can.

i tau sayang, u keep saying yang sudah tu sudah..... :) yang pentingnye we've got each other to spend our days with right now.. nantilah u, sabar n i'll introduce u to mummy ok... insya'allah tt will happen.

98 degrees n mariah

I would give up everything
Before I'd separate myself from you
After so much suffering
I finally found the unvernished truth
I was all by myself for the longest time
So cold inside
And the hurt from the heart it would not subside
I felt like dying
Until you saved my life

Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
My every wish and every dream
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight
Completed my whole life
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
Cause baby
I'm so thankfulI found you

I would give you everything
There's nothing in this world
I wouldn't do
To ensure your happiness
I'll cherish every part of you
Because without you beside me
I can't survive
I don't wanna try
If you're keeping me warm each and every night
I'll be all right
Cause I need you in my life

[Chorus]
See I was so desolate
Before you came to me
Looking back I guess it shows
that we were destined to shine
After the rain to appreciate
And care for what we have
And I'd go through it all over again
To be able to feel this way

[Chorus]
Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
My baby
I'm so thankfulI found you
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
My baby
I'm so thankful I found you

darling i'm so thankful i found you.... i find myself tearing as i write this.... thanks baby.

wey....

2006-07-13T13:51:00.000+08:00

hey..... i noe i noe stop nagging... i havent updated for a while...

well folks i am blissfully happy now. if you were meant to noe u wld have been told...

so ya... happpppppppppppppyyyyyyyy.

beb i'll tell you the funny details soon. love u too.

alhamdulilah for the way things are now. :)

itz been a long time

2006-06-26T12:12:00.000+08:00

itz been a long time time...without a dope beat to step to, step to....

if at frist u dont succeed, brush the dust of and try again, try again

but sometimes towards the end i wonder if whatever it is i am doing is worth it. oh well.

anyways, been to bebeh's blog and i see my name a few times there so i shall plagiarise your things again k.. muacks love you beb.. we r so lesbo lol. ladies an d gentlemen tt was a joke we r effing straight pppl ok.

i like this :
The truth is we hide so we can be found,
we walk away to see who will follow,
we cry to see who will wipe away our tears
& we let our hearts get broken to see who will come and fix them

She wanted something else.
Something different.
Something more.
Passion & romance, perhaps.
Or maybe quiet conversations in a candle lit room,
or maybe,
it was something as simple as not always being second in his heart

i can identify with that. tak siapa di antara kita di dunia memilih jalan hidup yang derita.

Sometimes... me think, what is friend & then me say, friend is someone to share the last cookie with.

or....someone to share the last takopachi with...right bebeh???? :P

and you want me to do the 7 things shit so i shall do it now for u.

* 7 RANDOM FACTS ABT MEEE *
- i am effing loyal if i love someone. tt's kinda disadvantageous sometimes
- i love people
-singing is my life
-i love kids
- i dont want to be a housewife
- i i luuuurve hanging out with close frens
- i am conservative though i dont look it.

7 THINGS THAT SCARE MEEE *

- losing my life in a painful and agonising death.
- losing my loved ones.
- not being happy. i'm not happy now.
- not being able to trust.
- buat dosa2 besar. astaghfirullah al'azim. insya'allah tak
-losing my voice
- animals. most of them.

7 RANDOM MUSIC AT THE MOMENT
well songs stuck in my head for now are:

- unfaithful - rihanna
- buttons- pussycat dolls
- without u - mariah carey. i love her.
-best fren - hu izzit ah
-be without you - mary j blige
- world cup song. not the ml version. haha.
- open arms - mariah carey. give me her voice!

7 things i like most

- laughing
-singing
-reading
-hanging out
-hanging out
-hanging out
-being in love

7 THINGS I SAY THE MOST

- fuck la
- blardy hell
- otak kau
-yek eleh
-gawd
-*****
-yay

nak amek kau beb.....

ok i go plagiarise summore. but stuff abt me and me beb la.

copy from ana's post :

today was a nice day =)
Met up with my darling SITI RAHAYU aka AYU or mostly known as BEBEH. hahaha i think that name is stuck on you girl, even Ari doesnt know who I'm talking about when i mentioned your name until i told him it's BEBEH. khakhaSo anyway, I have a mini-phobia with slippers since i keep having slippers suddenly putus-ing alot nowadays (funny incident..i acterli went around asking for a translation of PUTUS in english....sunggoh tarching). hardiharhar so dengan selambenye i wore my three quarters khaki pants with a formal striped black shirt with my trailer sneakers kekekeke....went for my driving lesson which was not so bad today n decided to meet BEBEH!so went to Sengkang and ate kat Banquet...talk talk punyer talk, mulot gatal nak makan ice cream. pusing satu compasspoint tak tau maner leh dapat ice cream. tarching lorrh... so we were like going in and out shops like nobody business and laughing our asses off by stupid comments. hahaha people were looking at us but do we care? NOOOOOOO simply cos we are MAD, KERAZEE, HIGH FROM EACH OTHER and simply because i dont live there so haha low possibility of people i know bumping into me (walaupon Singapore ni kecik ajer tempatnye) and bebeh doesnt always go there. so yeah, basically we are macam 'foreigners' kat saner khakhakhakha. step foreigners menyampah.so then we finally bought our ice cream from 7-eleven and ate our desserts kat luar nearby. so we were commenting on people2 around us, making stupid noises, laughing our asses off on stuff that i could never remember. but time spent with bebeh is always fun =) larps yoOoUuuyarh basically thats my day spent .. hehehe i m loving my life =)

well got not much to add oreadi la mebbe tmr or sumtg. ciao.

watz the date?

2006-06-13T20:09:00.000+08:00

been trying for the last 2 mins to figure out the date but nvm...hmmmmm... life has been relatively tolerable, tho felt a bit sick earlier. of course that was remedied by my bebeh. for once in a long2 while she decided to come over to sengkang instead.had lots of food and ice-cream then disturbed kids at the mall... dont u love kids? i sure do.

altho i dont behave like a very maternal person, i am still a woman at the end of the day hehe.

i reali feel like throwing this blardy pc out the window now. pls get me a new one somebody.

terencat aku nak update la.

n one of the most interesting topics: love

am not in love now, at least not the heady cloud nine feeling. itz stable and more mature, clearly there's no more idol-worshipping or watsoeva. i'm clearly aware of his faults,a nd i can live with them. tt's a gd start. :)

happy holidays frens. for those who are not having one, one word........ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

YES I NOE. U BLARDY BITCH. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. LOL

back from vietnam

2006-06-06T15:37:00.000+08:00

i had fun in vietnam..... ms nora said tt she will miss me, esp running into her room late at night. let's juz say me and rozie were freaked out to an inch of our lives.... freaky stuff happened.... nevertheless had a good trip overall, except perhaps the abstinence from the ultimate sin made me a bit kooky n bad-tempered towards the end. i'm toking abt chocs la. my pc is being blardy irritating so i'll continue sum other day...

50 or 500..

a tinge of orange.

lol.

2006-05-25T11:48:00.000+08:00

the girl calls her bf**ring****ring****ring**
boy:hellogir

l:hi baby,why didnt you ever call me back?

boy:uhhh......i was busy....im sorry

girl:its ok,but i really needed you more than ever that night(she starts to cry)
just promise me you'll call me when i ask you to,ok?

boy:ok,but whats wrong?

girl:nothing.....but do you love me?

boy:yes of course i do , why?

girl:how much do you love me?

boy:more than anyone could ever imagine....
i would even take a bullet for you,why whats wrong?

girl:would you do anything for me?

boy:baby,you know i would do anything to make you happy.is there something wrong?

girl:(starts to cry again) no but do this for me,never talk to me again.we're over.(she hangs upthephone)

boy:(he tries to call back but the phone is disconnected.......a week later he decides to go to stop by her house.

parents:(in tears)here.....she asked us togive you this note right before (they just break down crying)(the boy takes the note and while he's driving home all he can think about is why her parents were so upset) (when he gets home he reads the letter it says.....im sorry i broke up with you,but i had no choice.i onlyhave 6-7 days to live, i figure it would be easier this way.and in case you were wondering why i asked you all those questions about how much you loved me so i could hear you say them 1 last time)the next day the boy was found dead with a gun in one hand and a note in the other.the note said "i told her i would take a bullet for her"

sweet la but merepek pon ade jugak. in the first place susah nak carik lelaki macam tu. terperok kat mane entah.

one thing i hafta add is if u treat me like some 2nd class person, last minute replacement or sumtg pls dont expect me to welcome you like a king.

if the nature of the whole relationship is based on deceit, i cant force myself to act all friendly as if there's nothing wrong.

regrets

2006-05-23T11:44:00.000+08:00

i dont have many of them. especially in certain things. maybe i do stupid things sometimes, but i am NOT psycho. itz more of being driven by this deep feeling or emotion. which is not madness.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

i see that now. when you finallly take a few steps back, you realise those moments are the ones you would want to relive. consequences might be rather painful later, but i also wouldnt trade it for anything else.

u say i'm nice. but i wasnt always nice to u was i..... there were times when i'd be ranting and raving like a mad woman, even recently. itz not because i enjoy doing tt, or because i'm mad ( the word appears again) but because itz something tt i believe in, and love makes u do really weird stuff. it makes me cry afterwards, for myself as well as for you.

i'll take whatever comes. life is too short to have regrets. i guess u already know how i feel, so there's no use in saying what we both already know. oh well.

never look back. we're here now.

oi

2006-05-16T11:52:00.000+08:00

havent been updating for abt a week or so... that's because nothing has happened lately. yes, big surprise there. i have relinquished wateva social life i used to have. feel like gg off now. sigh. am so tired. have 2 periods of lit later on. end at 515 as usual. bummer.

through with love- destiny's child

Beyonce:
I gave my heart to you
I gave up my friends like you said I should do
Put aside my smile for you
threw out my dreams if you said you didn't approve
I gave my mind, compromise my life
just to see I'd find
you were trying hold me back
slowly throwing me off of my track
disappointed again

Chorus 1:
I'm through with it, love
I'm through with it,
through with it, love
I'm through with it,
through with it, love
I'm through with it,
through with it, love
I'm finally giving it up

I've given so much in the past for a love I never had
I’m through with it
I'm, I'm through with it, love
I'm through with it,
through with it,
loveI'm finally giving it up.

Oh, there you go, comparing me
To every little model on the tv screen
Oh there you go, complaining to me,
cause I wanna spend time with my family
My esteem has gone down
You never wanna take me out
You make me feel dumb, and alone
I don't know where to go
I'm through with it

{Chorus 1}

Kelly:
I shared all my secrets with you
Even when it hurt telling the truth
I Paralyze my growth for you
I gave you control felt so helpless without you
Couldn’t be a friend
To anyone happy
Cause with you
I see misery loves company
I don't know if this is love
Cause if it's love
I don't want it anymore
I'm through with it

{Chorus 1}

Michelle:

Why do I feel so empty?
I’m crying out for some stability
Destroy my many insecurities
I'm breaking down somebody pray for me
Need a love like no other
not an ordinary love
Restore my joy, wisdom and courage
Lord I need your love

I found a new love,
I found new,
found a new love
I finally found it in God

Chorus 2:

I found a new love
I found a new,
found a new love
I found a new,
found a new love
I found a new,
found a new love
I finally found it in God
I've given so much in the past,
for a love I've always had
I've found a new...I,
I, found a new love
I found a new,
found a new love
I finally found it in God!

i hope u understand why i cant go thru with it. i just cant. it wouldnt be right, people will be hurt. already as it is, u're not happy are u? i hope u can see tt itz betta off if we're not together. i'm sorry. i like u as a friend, i'm grateful tt u've been nice to me, tt' u've waited for more than a year for me but the feeling's not there. itz not something i can force. plus my previous experiences really taught me than this isnt something i should play ard with. i need to sort things out, there's so many things i wanna do and it isnt fair if we're in a rship, i wouldnt be faithful. i know it. watz the pt of being with u if my heart is with someone else? i'm nt saying it is, but there's this void tt cant be filled easily. u've tried, i know, n i thank u for tt, but...... itz complicated. i'm really in no hurry at all to be in a rship. i belive kalau memang dah jodoh tu, we'll be together no matter wat so berserah aje la, i'm not looking for love. i dont intend to get married b4 25. tt's a long way to go. i now kite merancang, tuhan yg menentukan. but i oso believe tt kalau kite ade niat baik nak bantu keluarga ( i'm the eldest) then isya'allah things will be fine. lagipon cukupla dgn benda2 bodoh yg aku buat wen i was 16, 17. wat i choose to do now is to forget abt love n do the things tt wont hurt me in the end, tt wont have disastrous effects on my life coz i simply cant take any more. tt's the truth. u wont know i'm writing this, but i wish u'd know tt i'm not fooling ard.. i'm so so sorry. read the words in bold.

kalau memang jodoh kite, tak ke mana.

tuerr

2006-05-09T14:30:00.000+08:00

am officially 19 now. no difference la, maybe lost abit of weight over the last couple of weeks because this freak has another obsession. haha. hopefully it'll be lifelong one.

bebeh i love you! b5 clique, i love you! mummy n daddy, i love you too!

haha. well, today i have to stay all the way till 515... but a 4 hr break in between the lessons. blardy hell, i say. as such, i hafta cancel my date. tired.

wasnt reali looking forward to it but i feel bad for always declining. bukan nak step but u cant force urself wen it comes to things like this.

anyway, thanks for the stuff u guys bought me. realli appreciate it.

anyway, yesterday i went to mit bebeh for a late lunch.. then as i was heading for the bus-stop i met my cuzin, so we headed to this stairwell to smoke. she's an underaged smoker haha. but yupz anyway, i put bebeh's present next to my bag and went yakkity-yak for about an hour plus then we left tampines. the plan was to take a bus to pasir ris intc then transfer to service no 88. so ya, happily sat in 15 until blardy hellllllllllll!

that dear present was still at the stairwell. so me being me, started spewing expletives in the bus cursing my carelessness. my heart must skipped 5 beats or sumthing. plus knowing that my heartbeat isnt regular ( KKCWH says so ) that wasnt a good thing. was close to tears. i recall telling my cuzin that "kalau present dari jantan aku tak kisah, ni present dari best fren aku siak!" Spoken like a true deep down to the roots minah.

but ya, by the time i realised it we were already sumwer in pasir ris. i alighted and took 15 back to tampines and half walked and ran back to that block. macam2 doa aku baca.

It was still there. It was really meant for me i guess, memang rezeki agaknye. close to 45 minutes and it was untouched. incredible. anyway, itz this beautiful necklace with my initial ( which is an A you moron ) on it.

anyway i called bebeh when i was at the bus-stop after i got it back and told her wat happened. i said tt itz typical of kite, bile susah, bile terdesak baru ingat Tuhan, ingat baca doa. Insya'allah will work on tt :)

anyway bebeh, see what u mean to me???? huh? huh? huh? DO YOU LOVE ME OR DO YOU LOVE ME????

ish ish ish.

eh eh eh

2006-05-04T11:17:00.000+08:00

was at ana's blog n i read her latest entry made me laugh out loud so i put here ok....

quote quote from ana's blog.

everyone knows that girlfriends are aphrodisiacs
yesh..
i had a great day with my darlings =)
started off by me checking my hp for any msges...
there was ONE..from ayu..
at 8 plus asking if i was awake or not.
it was 10 plus in the morning..

SUDDENLY

jeng jeng jeng there was a call..

"OI. bukak pintu ahh aku kat luar"

guess who was outside the door... SITI RAHAYU ..yess and i have NOT bathe...NOT awaken (dont intend to till after 11)..so yeah she saw me at my worst.. but i didnt care, and went back to sleep. wakhakhakhakhaok ok...so i watched some tv while she played the computer. then i had my bath n we went out to have our lunch.

and from another entry....

=) had a good day today
i had a wonderful outing with my darling sis inin n besti ayu =)
went to the Youth Park to watch some HipHop performances and an interesting dance to the Helena song. i loike...then went to take a look at the LIME flea market nearby... n had our lunch at LJS nearby.after that me n ayu went around orchard looking for a prezzie for Ainn's Birthday Chalet. haha she is the bestest bestest slacking kaki to go with. cos i feel so comfortable around her and i can be myself without putting up a mask. i love that girl... although she WAS complaining alot because she was wearing heels and we had walked up n down orchard TWICE or more. hahaha fun times... finally bought Ainn a bear kat PS. me and ayu had our lunch there n talk2. i cant remember what we were talking about la. but got many2 la. then we went off to pasir ris to meet mun.

this is a day in the lives of ayu n ana btw. welcome to the bebehs.

eh minachi, birthday aku jangan buat2 luper eh. SUNDAY!!!! 7 MAYYY!

bleargh

2006-05-04T10:53:00.000+08:00

helped out at my cuzin's engagement over the weekend.... was fun lah, anyway sum of the pics we took there i put up on frenster so u can go have a look. i look ridiculous... i should never smile in pics. only in certain occassions do i look nice. blardy hell

anyway, my birthday's on sunday. 7th may.

no biggie la. only 19.

blardy hell

2006-04-20T11:01:00.000+08:00

am at ana's place now... went for the xray, no fractures but must go for physio.... is tt how itz spelt? waddehell. anyway ya..so scary hor...

anyways, went to ana's blog juz now and horrors of horrors, found myself in a not-very-cute kawaii pose staring( grinning actuali) back at me...

hahaha. am in lvoe with my best fren. lol. not tt kinda of love la...but well... she's everything i need in a fren.

girl can i plagiarise sumtg from ur blog...lol..

Don't talk to me, don't look at me
no we can't be friends
this little game you've got has to end
you can't flirt with me like it's nothing
because you're breaking my heart
my entire world is falling apart
go your own way and I'll go mine
I'm gonna get over you, just give me a little time.

so sad ah. used to feel tt way. still do sumtyms. but wat doesnt kill u ultimately makes u stronger.

terharuuuuuuuu

2006-04-19T11:35:00.000+08:00

terharu betol gue..... tak dapat donate blood. haIZZZZzzz... blardy hell. i tot i'm above 45kg but i'm not. sedih betol. realli wanted to. so instead of donating right now am sitting in the com lab waiting for htp, which is a session with the trainers. boringgg beb.

watched take the lead oreadi. okla, nice sountrack. love it. but the story so-so je. still prefer dirty dancing.

nak tengok tristan n isolde la.

will hafta go to toh tuck this afternoon for a lecture on persuasion by sum nus lecturer. heard she's good. then out for makan with sum class peeps leaps tu balik membuta lagi lah jawabnye.

kena pegi xray ah. shit man.

nothing else to add, non-existent social life. except tt i find myself going to PS more often than town nowadays. not complaining la, balik pon senang.

need a fag.

unbelievable

2006-04-18T15:53:00.000+08:00

Always said I would know where to find love,
Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
But some times I just felt I could give up.
But you came and changed my whole world now,
I'm somewhere I've never been before.
Now I see, what love means.
[Chorus]
It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.
In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
Hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how-.
I'm alive,
I'm in love you complete me,
And I've never been here before.
Now I see, what love means.
([Chorus])
When I think of what I have,
and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Ohh yeah, break down and cry.
([Chorus])

Now I see, what love means

song by craig david. someone is being an irritating idiot beside me mocking the lyrics to the song and saying that he wants to scratch his nose many times. frankly my friend, i do not care.

am not in love. just think that the song is beautiful.

eleventh

2006-04-11T12:07:00.000+08:00

adek's bdae today. yest was dadi n ah boy..... had enuf of cake. have 3 free periods till lit so juz sitting ard in the library wasting time. have done most of my work thank gawd. tt's amazing yes.

will be going out next week. see, so pathetic ryt my social life. whole of this week will be a gd girl.

nothing to report realli. does nabil think i'm stupid?

sixth

2006-04-06T11:24:00.000+08:00

having a bad day. nothing bad happened really, but itz juz one of those days where u juz wanna find a corner and hide while the rest of the world whizzes past u. itz one of the damn-u--r-so-blardy-stupid days again.

i'm guessing itz because of my lack of nicotine intake this week. i'm trying to make a conscious effort to keep it down but itz really hard.

anyway am sort of seeing someone again now but i dont have any feelings for him. nil. i feel bad coz i'm juz leading him on n all but at the same time i need somebody. but ya, like i said i dont feel anything for him. such a bitch i noe. i try not to reply n stuff wen he msges or pretend i'm sleeping wen he calls...... sigh itz so difficult having someone hu realli cares alot abt u when deep down u noe ur heart is with someone else.

but like i've said to some ppl, love doesnt realli matter to me now. there's so much for me to do and i dont think itz fair to hueva it is wen i've got so much on my mind. i'm just not ready for tt kidna commitment, i'm only 19 god noes how long more i will finally be satisfied with what i have. i've got to break the cycle. i've got to do this for myself, my future. altho i'm not sure if marriage or a long-term rship comes along with tt.

i used to be such an idealist, want to be a gd wife, get a gd husband, have kids be happy bla bla. tt doesnt seem real to me anymore wen i cant even see past the next wk. and the a levels. o gawd. now a whole different problem has cropped up academically. itz depressing to see the stupid mistakes i make. well at least itz only the common test. sigh.

i really regret what i did to nabil. but we were both too egotistical, to the extent that towards the end of our relationship, we would meet ( with the group present of course) and sit near each other, spend the whole night but not talk or look at each other. later i found out he was waiting for me to do something, and it was the same for me. the reluctance on both our parts to do something clearly showed tt the relationship wasnt strong enough. but i dont realli blame him. anyway he's young, probably with someone else right now n i wish him the best of luck. i realli treasure wat we had, he was very good to me. i miss him but itz a done deal n we're better off gg our separate ways.

anyway have a lot of free periods today. am positively exhausted.

twenty four

2006-03-24T08:40:00.000+08:00

am having trouble sending the blardy pictures.

y y y y y y

lately have been surprised wif what sum ppl have said to me. kinda ridiculous the stuff that's gg on in their heads.

am now oficially a no-lifer. go to school, come home, sleep, wake up, do abit of work, sleep. next day, same routine.

think this cycle will continue till the end of the year. gawd hope not. yawn. have three free periods, having breakfast with koh. will probably puke it all out on her if she's not careful.

otherwise nothing much to report so signing out.

back

2006-03-18T19:52:00.000+08:00

nothing to update reali. binan trip was tiring, was sick on the second night onwards so skipped the last day's activities and was asleep the whole day at the spa area.

not feeling 100 % fit yet, still coughing a little. as for my personal life, itz confusing. the more i try to make some sense out of it, the more blurry it becomes.

oh well. wait and see.

nine

2006-03-09T10:43:00.000+08:00

panic panic panic........ arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... have been in my own world lately so feeling left out now tt fingers have been snapping me back to reality. like for example, the fact that i'm a horrible packer. a horrible last-minute packer... and itz even worse considering the fact tt i'd probably fall asleep almost as soon as i step into the houz tonight. ( note: end at 515 last 2 periods PE)

otherwise everyone is pretty hyped up. hope it wont be a disappointment. if u go with the right ppl even a trip to the loo will be fun. okay that seems so wrong. heh.

went out with pah yesterday, old fren of mine...since sec 1 ...she's still the same moronic bitch, still the same pah tt i love...things have not changed much..u noe, with sum ppl even if u dont see them for a pretty long time, once u meet everything falls in place nicely.... but others, if u see them everyday u have to really wring out words to say to them.

anyway met hanafi yesterday wen i was practically running ( without taped foot. ouch ) to the mrt station coz pah had been waiting for me.. then msged him at night..nice guy.

tmr morning will be lugging a huge bag to school... i will look ridiculous so gawd help me. sure gonna get sum stares.

anyway, will update more when i get back hopefully. ciao bebeh.

eight

2006-03-08T09:36:00.000+08:00

hey....... wasup wif me? ans : nothing

have not done anythng spectacular or worth mentioning. juz being a gd girl being cooped up at home getting fat. think i might go shooping in the evening, need to get some essentials for the trip. i wonder watz the problem wif everyone. or izzit me?

oh wat the heck. dowan to be a people-pleaser when at the end of the day i'm not happy myself. i only have lessons for the first and last period so free now la. boring mcm ank tertdo kat sini. thinking of changing my number. maybe in june. and i need a new group of frens, think i need to start all over again. such a pity to have to do tt since the other guys r so nice, but because my ex is there i dont feel very comfortable. not my fault, i tried to tok but dunno wat he's so pissed abt. eh grow up la.

i'm taking things easy for now, no dating, juz spending time with myself and my family, catching up on sleep and actually i realised tt i'm happier now without the unnecessary realationship troubles. well not thinking of it for now la, but if it happens it happens...not on the rebound anyway, tt relationship was bound to fail, lots of reasons y and i dunno y i went ahead anyway.

hello world.

six

2006-03-06T14:02:00.000+08:00

nothing much to update partly because i've been cooped up at home. spent the weekend cleaning up the houz, yesterday mopped rumah...jadi maid aku.

today supposed to go out wif bebeh, but stupid me, tak pernah free so i hope tmr's ok..... should be coz we're pushing up the lessons... got my foot taped. buat hal lagi la. could only manage abt 3 rounds, lepas tu da tak tahan. weak ah. nvm last yr lepas tu can be a fat slob. actually living up to tt even now. heh.

i'm actually happy now. happy being single and not being in contact wif a single guy...my life seems so simple and uncomplicated. of course it doesnt beat being in love but wen it starts to crumble.......... i dont miss tt at all.

going away on friday... hope it'll be fun. yawn.

three three

2006-03-03T14:03:00.000+08:00

i think you dont understand. i dont think i shall force u to, someday u will understand y i did the things i did... anyway, this came up on frenster, tot i'd steal it. i've got my two cents' worth to say abt it so may as well put it here la. btw bebeh, be strong. i love you and you love me, we have each other for now.. n i think guys can go rot in hell for the moment.

A boy and a girl, the best of friends. From elementary to high school from beginning to end. Through all those years their friendship grew. They both felt the same, but neither knew. Each waking moment since the day they met. They both loved each other sunrise to sunset. He was all she had in her terrible life. He was the one who kept her from her knife. She was his angel, she made him smile. Though life threw him curves, she made it all worth while. Then one day things went terribly wrong. The next few weeks were like a very sad song. He made her jealous on purpose he tried. When the girl asked, "Do you love her?" on purpose he lied. He played with jealousy like it was a game. Little did he know Things would never be the same. His plan was working but he had no clue. How wrong things would go, the damage he would do. One night she broke down, feeling very alone. Just her and the blade, no one else home. She dialed his number, he answered, "Hello" She told him she loved him and hung up the phone. He raced to her house just a minute too late. Found her lying in blood, her heart had no rate. Beside her was a note, in it her confession. Her love for this boy, her only obsession. As he read the note, he knelt down and cried. Grabbed her knife, that night they both died. She was found in his arms, both of them dead. Under her note his handwriting said: "I loved her so, she never knew. All this time I loved her too."

guess there are lotsa differences between us... but seriously, nobody would want to take away their own life for the fun of it. i wouldnt. but i did try........ why?

it happened a long time ago, and again recently, involving different ppl( the bf obviously). after the first time, i thought to myself... NEVER AGAIN. it was hell being in hospital having those painful things stuck in ur veins and being woken up at 3 in the morning by policemen, eating charcoal..... the emotional scars are still there today. but it happened again, and this time it was much worse because i was ashamed of myself, i let myself be hurt, i gave my heart and let it be shredded to pieces again. n i loved him, at least it felt like love but now i'm not so sure anymore. but i'm sure about the first one. maybe i cant handle relationships very well...... idealistic someone used to say.

itz not that i dont care abt u...i care too much. i dont show it because i'm scared of getting hurt again but it happened anyway.

oh well. i'm not looking for love. just hope that the next one, whoeva he is wont let these things happen again... nabil i'm sorry i wasnt gd to u, thanks for everything. i know u're still mad.... i'm sorry i havent contacted u for a week but someday i hope u'll understand ayu. if i ever c u again.

black

2006-02-27T11:23:00.000+08:00

oh well. what can i say. over.

s-i-n-g-l-e

kinda blank about it now but sometimes i find myself tearing up easily about the most trivial matters.

comes with the whole situation la, but still quite overwhelming, seems a a tornado just ran through my brain my heart my life and uncovered all these things, pain that i thought should have healed but i guess not. they're raw and bleeding again.

my bad probably. should not give my heart to anyone else for the time being. but who am i to say.

woooopsie

2006-02-23T16:40:00.000+08:00

itz my fault.... i had him but i didnt appreciate him....n now he's almost gone. but i will do whatever i can to convince him i never intended to treat him or the relationship lightly... itz not that i dont care...i do, very much.. i juz didnt noe how to show it.

but now i do. if u'd give me another chance to prove it.

enough is enough

2006-02-17T10:11:00.000+08:00

think that's enough songs for today.

to tell you the truth i'm a little overwhelmed by everything... they invited me to a gig today but dont think i can make it. sorry guys.

i wish i could say i'm very happy now but i'd be lying. things are a lot better now undeniably, but there are still some things bothering me. well, you cant please everyone *shrug*

my break is almost over. shall be getting money over the weekend hopefully. so on monday taklah kering sangat... dotn think i need to buy anything urgently so the money shall go towards spending time with baby while we can still meet up often.

he takes really good care of me, i'm amazed. i think coz i'm used to doing stuff on my own and not really bothering about myself, so it comes as a big surprise how concerned he is about me. the good thing about him is he knows when to be serious. but he cracks me up anyway. heh. there are still some issues that we need to work out but i dont know, i foresee this as a long-term comitment. itz still early but we're both working on our relationship. we've got major exams this year so we're taking things but i dont think that's a good reason to neglect each other.

what do i like about him.....

his smile
the way he kisses me
how he feels
how he tastes
his hugs
his humour
when he wipes my tears
balance between friends and me
selflessness
independent yet manja
honesty

and what i like is we're growing to love each other. no hurry, no rush, there's respect and communication is getting better everyday. just cut down on your smoking la dear. i'm trying too.

told ya i'm free...too free maybe

2006-02-17T09:55:00.000+08:00

alahai...looking for songs that the guys keep singing...coz my brain is infested with those songs right now. shooo!!!!

RADJA - JUJUR

Duhai kekasih pujaan hatiku
dapatkah kau memberiku satu arti
sedikit rasa yang bisa ku mengerti
bukan sumpah atau janji
buktikanlah bila kau ada cinta
setulus hatimu bisa menerima
sebatas kejujuran yang kau miliki
bukan sekedar bersama

jujurlah padaku bila kau tak lagi cinta
tinggalkanlah aku bila tak mungkin bersama
jauhi diriku
lupakanlah aku

jujurlah padaku
bila kau tak lagi suka
tinggalkanlah aku bila tak mungkin bersama
jauhi diriku lupakanlah aku
selamanya

gawd help me.

i want to hold your hand - beatles

Oh yeah, I'll tell you something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.
Oh please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
And please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand.
Now let me hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.
And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my loveI can't hide,
I can't hide,
I can't hide.
Yeah, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.
And when I touch you
I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide,
I can't hide,
I can't hide.
Yeh, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll feel that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

yes darling i understand perfectly what you're saying. Now can you please stop dancing with the broom :)

i'm freeeeee

2006-02-17T09:02:00.000+08:00

got nothing to do for the next two periods so i shall flood my blog with stupid entries.. bear with me. heh.

cake - i will survive

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking
I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you’d done me wrong
And I grew strong
I learned how to get along
So now you’re back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Without the look upon your face
I should have changed my f-ing lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I’d have known for just one second
You’d be back to bother me
Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love
I know I’ll be alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah
It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I’m trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
With somebody new
I’m not that stupid little person still in love with you
And so you thought you’d just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I’m saving all my loving
For someone who’s loving me

and so now the new song is ( courtesy of my baby ) :

Radja - takkan melupakan mu

Oh terindah, lagu yg terindah

Sengaja aku cipta untukmu yg terindah

Semoga dapat meluluhkan segala keraguan

Semoga dapat menghancurkan kerasnya batu prasangka

Aku takkan melupakanmu

Takkan meninggalkanmu

Takkan menduakan cintamu,ku bersumpah

Aku tak ingin mengingkar janji

Tak ingin menjadi duri

Tak ingin menjadi api cinta yg membara
Rebahlah kau di pelukku

Lepaskan resahmu

Bebaskan jiwamu

Dari prasangka-prasangka burukmu

Dari kerasnya batu curiga

Aku takkan melupakanmu

Takkan meninggalkanmu

Takkan menduakan cintamu, ku bersumpah

Aku tak ingin mengingkar janji

Tak ingin menjadi duri

Tak ingin menjadi api cinta yg membara
Senyuman melati

Sambutlah mentari

Raihlah cintamu

Hari ini

weird stuff happening lately. nvm, nice and slow........

seventeenth

2006-02-17T08:49:00.000+08:00

well... yesterday wasnt a good day for me. wasnt feeling well. still not reali very good now but much better than yesterday.

last night was okay, not much happening. think i'm meeting him again today, sooner or later just show to mami la, easy... so he doesnt hafta keep sitting at the void deck. heh. poor baby.

i noe wat ur weakness is!!!!!!!!!

anyway, i miss uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

u better stop pinching me ah.

haus aku

2006-02-15T11:23:00.000+08:00

so much has happened since i last posted an entry.... to keep u up-to-date on my life...welllllll if u're meant to know what recently happened u would have known la...

ala me damn worried now. hope u get better soon baby.... make sure u eat ur medicine.. should be taking care of urself instead about worrying abt me.

but i do appreciate everything u've done for me, i realli do.. kesian you jalan all the way back from pasir ris. tt's y i cried btw.. felt so guilty.. u batok darah lagi.

baby... i'm so thankful we found each other. i know there are lotsa differences between us and some ppl might think itz odd and repulsive, but i hope we can make it thru.

thank you for loving me dear. awwwww.... maybe today shall go to ur place to see how u are.

miss you laling.

u make me a very happy woman.

n i know u like being thirsty.

seven times darling.... tsk tsk tsk.

oh n i dont know
i dont know what he's after
but he's so beautiful
such a beautiful disaster
and if i could hold on
thru the tears and the laughter
would it be beautiful
or just a beautiful disaster

aku tak akan meninggalkanmu
tak akan menduakan cintamu
ku bersumpah

last night i realised without really meaning to, i've become serious. abt u. abt us. i think i might love you too. when i think back, sometimes i feel like i really deserve someone like you, after all the crap tt's happened over the past few years. but sometimes i cant believe u're mine. but u are..... and i'm yours.

i'll always be your valentine, sweetheart.

blank

2006-01-27T11:55:00.000+08:00

juz finished the cny celebrations so ya, bored and sleepy now. feel like gg out but dunno hu to ask. well actually there's someone i wanna go out with but after wat happened yesterday, dont feel like it anymore. not really anyone's fault la.

nothing much to write. yesterday cik mail meninggal so i didnt go to sch. right now i'm feeling detached from the world, from sch n everything....

hope we figure out something soon. things dont feel too good right now, doubt they'll get better. oh well.

waste of time

2006-01-23T11:39:00.000+08:00

three words. i hate u.

that pretty much sums op my feelings for today, ladies and gentlemen. show's over. hope you had fun.

hyuk hyuk

2006-01-17T12:51:00.000+08:00

well well well..... seems like i've gotten a new post today... anyways, not much today, escaped from doing a presentation...... but we end at 515.. argh.

am blanking out. maybe too much intellectual stimulation till i cant think of mundane stuff.. does that make sense? heh. helmy is late. betta get his butt down here soon.... i dont have much work today except for an sbq so thank gawd. working tmr. sigh.

how come when i really wanna write something only these kinda stuff appears?

realli hope my pc and braodband will be done soon.. but knowing my mom.... fat hope.

and then there were 2...or izzit 3????

2006-01-16T11:34:00.000+08:00

hehehehe....decided to have a more laid-back atttitude this year..tt means no more being uptight n no more bothering abt whether ppl r gonna be pissed abt ayu buat ni, ayu buat tu..... cant please them all... i've only found that out at the grand age of 19. well soon la... thinking of doing sumtg this yr but my stingy mom wont sponsor it. sigh. see how la. anyway, she's paid the 700 bucks. phew. at least i dont hafta worry bout tt anymore. makes me age about oh... 5 years juz remembering it.

so now me must get job and work hard. for meself, if not anyone else. because me know deep down me is spoilt brat. o yes. and that spoilt brat is threatening to reemerge.

and me no longer have to hide me cigarettes and lighter because me mom knows. as in for sure. she cant put me in a girls' home unfortunately. itz legal. heh. but i shall be a 'respectful' girl and not do it where those eagle eyes are roaming. mouths...tsk tsk tsk.

macam mana masyarakat melayu nak maju kalau benda yang remeh-temeh dibesarkan, tapi benda yang berat yang berlaku depan mata kepala dorang dibiarkan?

i noe itz not nice for a girl to smoke. well change your mindset. just because i have a cigarette in my hand and i dont cover myself from head to toe, it doesnt mean i'm any worse than any of you. pokok pangkal diri sendiri, ada batasan lah to whatever i do.

so you mind yor limits too. coz i'm not the timid girl i was before. and i'm not stupid.

but yupz life is fine..glad that most issues have already been cleared up, i find it easier to wake up and face what's to come. so far in the past few weeks of sch, i've been absent once and late once. that's all. and the absence was really a genuine out-of-my-control thing whereas the latecoming was on the first day.. so far so good. let's hope nothing crops up and things stay as they are.

and certain people....well....sungguh mengecewakan. totally disappointing.

poooooopooooppppooot

2006-01-13T12:53:00.000+08:00

hehehehehe. monkey business going on..

anyways, maybe i should explain the lack of updates lately... my pc is spoilt, so we terminated the dial-up shit.... so till it gets repaired and my mum gets broadband i'm afraid this will be as often as my updates get.

but honestly, wats there to update? nothing much happening except yesterday someone ruffled a few feathers. Mine. ewww....that seems so wrong.

other than that everything's fine, everyone seems to be dying from the workload that we've got. i'm sure the next 10 mths or so would fly by and the next thing i know i'm just a jobless person wondering in orchard rd fagging.

that seems like a nicer picture compared to what's currently happening right now. swaps anyone?????

and i dont like wateva's happening. i dont like it one bit. not because of the outcome, i mean that part is at least something i can live with...but itz just the hypocrisy and lying that's really a turn-off.

bottom life : i need to get a life

but then i hear it call my name

2006-01-06T08:26:00.001+08:00

three free periods...two now coz i dont take econs and one later after gp i think... am aching all over from yesterday's torture session... but after tt it felt good i hafta admit.. except me and ain ( or siti ) looked a bit idiotic trying to look dignified while we walked down the steps like heavily pregnant women.. tt notti girl ended up not buying it. but i dont blame her...wonen, fickle-minded beings.. lol,. not tt i've never been tt before. anyways, nothing much happened lately, i'm starting to feel rather intelligent, and rightly too since i've got ard 10 months more before i face the devil. n no bebeh itz not u i'm toking abt..lol.. when r u gg to show me ur boyfren so i can give him my stamp of approval???????? i'm ur best fren u noe... hehe. nolah, u've got the thumbs up. u noe i dont like interfering in stuff like tt. i've got enough personal baggage to last a lifetime as it is.

promoted to vp this year. so far havent been doing anything tt needs some power-wielding coz there's been no news watsoeva. not really looking forward to activities. i'm just focusing on getting my ass out of this school with grades enough to get me somewhere. as for singing, as in properly...DONT TOK TO ME ABT IT. i've decided to shelf those tots till i'm REALI able to do so w/o having any guilt. wonder when tho.

i wanna see the raye pics. forgot to ask ana. hopefully ic an get some n then i can post it here. my camera is spoilt. blardy hell.

kla enough of blabbering. n let me tell u a secret........itz over. maybe itz betta tt way.

sorry hor

2006-01-02T14:56:00.000+08:00

long time nv come here.... anyways...me at bebeh's place now... tmr there's sch!!!!!! argh..there goes my lounging ard at home doing nothing and getting fat days... sigh. but i guess at least now i'll be occupied with something la..so...yupz... nothing much to update realli so bubbye

weeeeee

2005-11-07T11:41:00.000+08:00

i'm back after gawd noes how many eons..tmr is the last day of project work then i shall be free from all these bringers of misfortune and boredom...yux. did i say i was bored? dont reali wanna see ppl from sch any more than i hafta... dont ask me y because if u were supposed to noe u wld have already.

and as for my personal life...my lips are sealed....

cant believe i'm in sch during the hols. groan.

bored

2005-10-15T11:27:00.000+08:00

i dont know how to define this but it is kept safely under wraps until it's safe to be told.

gawd, miss hanging out..havent been out at all since the promos started. oya wonder what arif wants to say to me. scary, he said he's holding it back coz he doesnt want it to affect my grades. shall ask him later.

fairytales..................beauty and the beast..hehe, remember doing tt song wif debz during the busking season wif debz and the seniors in tkgs a few yrs ago. then nuha did the balcony scene of romeo n juliet. itz a bit scary doing stuff in a girls' school but i still miss those days though.

i bump into my classmates once in awhile while i'm out but our worlds have totally changed, not much to say.

but my bebeh and me still keeping things up. duh, best frens mah. juz laz nyt i toked to her. havent seen her for a month. maybe next wk we can go break fast together and drive geylang while. ewwww. what a disgusting thought.

today shall be a fun day with lots of shopping i hope. retail therapy is GOOD.

cant believe i'm still in school. yux.

fairytale

2005-10-15T11:15:00.000+08:00

i like fairytales. dont u?

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
ou should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

and itz also because of you that i now recognise true love, friendship. and i learnt that tongues wont stop yakking until their hearts do. and by then the pain, itz irreversible.

woitttt

2005-10-15T10:04:00.000+08:00

aloo aloo... lame cek tak datang sini... hehe exams finally over, now on a brilliant saturday morning when i should spend the day luxuriating in bed or going out, i am slaving away at the computer doing the bloody project work stuff... going to geylang later, finally.

i am happy now. very very very happy. but im not getting my hopes up.

as for the exams, SIGH. i dont care what i get, as long as it gets me to yr 3 i'm awfully glad ( meaning i get to leave this darling school asap)

i feel bad eating at 1015. but cant help it lah, hungry. aku takleh puase la. so i'm hiding in a corner of the com lab now...just finished doing work and waiting for aisyah to get her things done then i'm off....

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooney. mad. haha. but i like it that way.

shite i'm losing it. but havent been this contented with life for a loooooooong time. raya pon da nak dekat. though i'm kinda blah about it, this year it will be different for me. a whole new meaning. yay.

i promise you wont regret it. one of the best things that's happened to me.

H-a-p-p-y. and no one's gonna take it away from me this time. no one is gonna deny me the one thing that i want.

cepatttt

2005-09-22T11:55:00.000+08:00

i've got 5 min to do this so it has to be fast...anyway, itz bar's bdae today..happy bdae moo...you idiot. dont ask me y i call him tt..anyway me in the com lab now, takde melayu..... feel so refreshed..ain beside me keeps saying she smells nice ( coz we juz had a bath)

anyway...tmr and sat me gg out yippeeeeeeeeeeee.... ah ye abis promos hancur

lol. ciao

i work hard for the monehhhhh

2005-09-14T14:45:00.000+08:00

beb, what to get for your bdae ah..... nvm dont tell me i shall figure out sumtg...what if i dont come on the 24th? :P

anyway...damn exam season sekarang..both me and my student. get it over and done with...man i'm famished.... eh girl, must i break an arm before i can see you? must get admitted to the hospital baru nampak batang hidung kau agaknya... anyway, come and stay over at my place on that day la.... hmmzzz...persuade ur dad...

aku mcm kemaruk gambar eh..haha. aku malas nak arrange lawa2 la.. tengok je eh. gambar ni latest, last mth. yg selenge kat atas tu da lame jugak.

so yupzz.... that's me and my younger sis on my bdae in may..i like the pic :)

i'm still alive

2005-09-03T10:03:00.000+08:00

dont worry i'm still alive and snoring.... have been busy with dance and what-nots and now that i actually have time for other things, i find it kinda weird...used to the late nights i guess.... hmmmzz... now in sch waiting for the rest of the ml a peepz before i head over to the beach...

and i'm hungry.. sigh.

anyway my darling bebeh, i'm happy but i'm not gay aite... com'on admit it u're the one with a huge crush on me... ur boyfren is juz a sorry excuse to cover up..lol....

kidding la.

so yeah, anything juz pop a message here la though i doubt i'll answer anytime soon hehe.. but yes i'm very much alive... ciao.

BACK!!!!!!!

2005-08-07T20:46:00.000+08:00

hey...cant stop my itchy fingers from writing...... anyway itz a real pity to give up on the blog, coz it is already more than a year old now.... nothing much happening lately, so there's nothing to report. pretty boring actually...

but itz good to be back here... do message me here aite.

heh.heh.heh

2005-07-17T20:38:00.000+08:00

i think my bro needs to visit the shrink..gawd.

do you know where you're going to.. do you like the things that life has shown to you...where are you going to... do you know....

all i noe is that time will prove who is right and who's wrong. and with that, ladies and gentlemen, i end this blog.

itz not worth pouring out my feelings here ( albeit somewhat subdued due to unwanted attention) and then being skewered for it. this is my place. i didnt ask you to come. so from now on, whatever i feel, my triumphs, my failures, will be for me and for me only to know. and of course for those fully deserving of being told. without me running the risk of being ridiculed. but i am fully happy in the sense that i know you will get your returns in due time. all of you. including you, you who i had never doubted for the longest time, n now i've come to realise that you'r no different from them. damn you, i trusted you.

goodbye singing-freak. goodbye to you. i've given you one too many chances and instead you spat in my face.

lidah tidak bertulang
ucapan cinta menghiris kalbu
kukan pergi...membawa diri
cinta dihati terkubur lagi

mungkin satu hari insya'allah dengan izin tuhan kau akan tahu juga apa yang aku lakukan untuk kau selama ini. dan kau akan menyesal. dan aku harap kau akan berubah. namun aku tetap berharap kau senang dan bahagia sekarang. jangan sesiakan orang yang kau sayang.

peace be upon you.

101

2005-07-15T17:28:00.000+08:00

itz abang norman's 25th birthday today....eeee so old ready lol. today i've been an absolutely angelic person and stayed at home. besides, the weather was fantastic for perpetual hibernators like me.... i've got one last paper on monday then itz back to the normal lessons...tedious work and what-nots. so hopefully tonight i'll get some revision done because knowing my family, we'd probably be out the whole weekend.

yesterday, even though din's house is like four bus-stops away from mine, i took a cab home because i simply couldnt muster enough strength to take those two bloody buses home. so imagine my surprise (and anger) when the taxi driver took me on a nice long ride around punggol when i told him about a million and one times that i stayed in sengkang. the idiot kept on scolding me and said " tak tau balik, cakap tak tau balik la" then i said i do know how to get home but how the hell was i to direct him if he kept on going deeper into punggol? ingatkan aku takde keje kepe rounding punggol??? so ya, in the end he went to block 142 punggol. ya allah i got so pissed off i said uncle, this is still punggol. my house is at block 142 sengkang, all the way at the other end. then he stopped the cab and talked to another driver. in the end he told me to take the other guy's cab. and he asked me to pay the fare which gullible me, agreed to...

when i was in the other guy's cab he said that i wasnt supposed to pay.... that bastard asked for duit minyak. so instead of paying ard 3 bucks i paid 7. i dont really mind as long as i reached hm safe la, tapi bingitttttttttttttnye.

so yupz........................yesterday was indeed an eventful day.

mendaaaaaakkkkk

2005-07-07T20:35:00.000+08:00

bored. juz came back awhile ago from gallivanting with one of my favourite people on earth and elsewhere. supposed to resume mugging mania but i'm more than willingly sacrificing a quarter of an hour or so to update this ol' blog of mine, speaking of which, itz been over a year since i've kept this one, which means i've blogged for around four years. what a mountain of crap i've accumulated. but itz kidna nice to look at the old entries and see what i had to say regarding certain issues. certainly amusing sometimes. which also reminds me that itz would also be a year soon, since i met someone. oh well.

i'm sick of having to always be the one to initate things. i'm NOT talking about sexual issues here lol. but yeah, it really pisses me off that i always end up apologising for eveything. may as well apologise for my existence. which also brings to mind that a lot of people want me dead.

oh well.. you cant please everyone. cant wait for the exams to be over. but i have to be responsible for danial and din then....haiz..great expectations.

night all... heading back to the land of swimming words and beckoning sleep.

cleopatra tak menjadi..lol

2005-07-07T12:35:00.000+08:00

for this, i have to blame ms lenny. although i made it clear that i wasnt to put on all this nonsensical garb, i still had to in the end... n forgot the lyrics. major mistake as a singer. i think this was over 2 yrs ago... sigh.

anyway....not in school today because of certain stuff..first of all, i'm tired. secondly, i need to sort out certain stuff that will never be finished if my ass is in school. nothing to update actually...juz woke up.

hungryyyyyyyyy.

back again

2005-07-04T18:24:00.000+08:00

i havent been blogging for over a week....school juz started again and so far itz been ok i guess... went out till late late night then had to teach tuition today...tired. i'm in for a lot of work.

nothing much to update. mostly mediocre stuff. so yupz............ feel like falling asleep again but my guilty conscience wont let me. oh well... n kak yana..few weeks to freedom. hold on!!! and bebeh.... i love you. CHIN UP! even though i should say the same for myself. i didnt intend to cry on thurs. it was so trivial actually. what's the saying again..the straw that broke the camel's back? yeah. it was a catalyst for the leaky faucet to start..i guess i've held of things inside n that was the breaking point. well like i've said before airmata itu penghapus dosa.

satu hari nanti wateva u've done to me will be haunting you. that's why i'm not doing anything about it. life has itz own queer ways of retribution which i am quite in favour of, istead of self-prescribed justice.

just you wait.

mari dangdut bang....

2005-06-24T20:35:00.000+08:00

itz scary when i watch ahan dance sometimes... he's so good that he freaks me out. i miss the jantan and pompuan joget days... it was only a few weeks ago but seems like forever now.

anyway this picture was taken by our official Joget Club photographer Siti there in the blue shirt.. the dance was hilarious like i've said before. now when i think back the practices were loads of fun too. i remember one day when we were trying out new moves to incorporate and such... i dunno what the hell we were doing before that but somehow i ended up on akbar's back. that idiot then suddenly walked over to the front of the stage and thereatened to drop me. picture this : this bugger standing at the edge of the stage, about 2 metres high, and me perched on his back, clinging on for dear life. i didnt dare open my eyes. i dont think i would have made it back in one piece if he did drop me and according to aisyah, it looked like he was going to. told you i have a love-hate relationship with him. but then again, let me reiterate that we are just frens. in fact if i ever end up with any of these two...oh nevermind. gawd no thank you. think things are excellent in their current status.

do you have a calculator? lol.

kelakar lah you ni

2005-06-22T21:46:00.000+08:00

think i've overused a particular word in my vocabulary. idiot. no matter what the occasion, that word always resurfaces. and it doesnt necessarily mean that itz an insult ya. so i guess you can be happy if i call you one. i'm not exactly very lavish with my compliments, especially when it comes to les hommes.

but yes, my point is that i am a HUGE ONE.idiot, that is. and in this case i dont mean it in a flattering manner.let me enlighten you.

as you might know, i've been mostly bedridden ( hell, memories of things stuck in my veins suddenly appear. and someone's face. shoo.) since sunday, after i've come home from the 'ton' ning session at east coast and a trip to town to see some booty-shakin'. that night i felt weird, had the feeling i was coming down with something. and yeah, remembering what happened the last time i was majorly sick ( earlier this year when i had a horrible horrible bout of food-poisoning) i decided not to take any chances and stopped eating everything within sight like i normally do. i even had the great PRESENCE OF MIND to treat it like a detox session.

of course, knowing ayu, it had to go all wrong...you know when you're sick you should never deprive yourself of much-needed things ( like FOOD you dumbass) but yeah, clever me went to do just the opposite. had just a slice of bread each day since mon. the funny thing was i spent the last couple of days in bed worrying that it was another case of food-poisoning because my stomach was on the verge off putting up a sign saying " ENOUGH GARBAGE!" or so i thought....it really was saying " GET MORE FOOD IN HERE YOU MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!" i was actually experiencing hunger pangs.

i feel good now... sambal goreng has never tasted better. yum yum.

a vision of love - that is all that you've given to me

mak...sakit

2005-06-22T15:54:00.000+08:00

i am in excruciating pain right now. have been since sunday night. if i dont make it through, i want you to know that i love you very very very much baby. always have and always will.

gawd. such a drama mama. but i am in pain. seriously. cant get out of bed except to drink some water and fall back on the bed in a drunken stupor and not see anything else exept the next sunrise. or sundown. and can you believe it, i'm actually craving for lj's now. alas, cant even make it to the kitchen without visualising an oasis there. which is, in fact, probably the water i spilled when it was making its way to my mouth. oopsie. giggle. ooookie..think i'm becoming an utter floozie. back to the bed.

dont make me close one more doooooooooooooooooor
i dont want to hurt anymore
stay in my arms if you dare
or must i imagine you there
dont walk away from me
dont walk away from me
dont you dare walk away from me ( wow... becoming quite a threat here. protection order is on its way)
i have nothing nothing nothing
if i dont have you....................

i'm going nuts. rock a bye baby.....

nyeh

2005-06-20T14:42:00.000+08:00

"airmata itu penghapus dosa"

stupid me. was cooking something in the kitchen then while waiting for it to boil went to my room and read up a few more pages.... and almost forgot about it. home alone today, so am busying myself in the kitchen experimenting.

been out a lot last 2 weeks, spent the night at east coast two days ago, then headed to town to watch my friend. so yupz...got a fever today and i deserve it. ok not much to say but i think my radar senses someone 'new'. poor adam.

hate being pressurised into anything, especially relationships. yucks. am 'dating' my friends now. so much better. lol.

yum.. the food cooking excellently. can smell it from my room. think i'll have a fag too. ciao.